If you're an NBA player, chances are you'll need to find new work in the near future. And ever since the economy died for our sins in 2008, jobs for young people have become scarce, meaning you'll really have to step up your game to find employment among us normals. But with the right kind of cover letter, anyone from Ron Artest to Delonte West can leave a positive, lasting impression on a potential employer. All you have to do is follow these easy steps!
*Step 1 – Begin your letter with "To whom it may concern."* This will demonstrate your mastery of the word "whom" and your concern for whoever may or may not be concerned. Just five words and you've already communicated so much!
Step 2 – Say "social media" at least once every two sentences. This lets companies know that you're "with it" and that you're fluent in necessary text-speak like "B2B" (Bridges To Babylon — a Stones album), "SEO" (synthetic engine oil), and "EDIH" (every day I'm hustlin').
Step 3 – Don't be too boastful. Arrogance is a huge turnoff, so for every two nice things you say about yourself, be sure to mention something that'll bring you "down to earth." If you're an Olympic bronze medalist and two-time NBA champion, throw it out there that you're willingly married to a Kardashian. If you're a first-round draft pick who had a breakout season in 2011, you should probably also mention that you're willingly married to a Kardashian.
Step 4 – Find out if you're black or not. Just head to the nearest mirror and take note of your skin color. If it's darker than a hamburger bun, then you're probably black. Some potential bosses will probably think that's pretty cool.
Step 5 – Don't list past job experiences. Because "recipient of improper benefits" isn't a real job title, and it doesn't sound as impressive as you might think.
Step 6 – Use statistics. Question: How did every professional athlete in the history of sports get a job? Answer: Someone saw their statistics and hired them. So for the real world use real-life statistics, such as typing speed and average daytime blood alcohol content, to communicate your worth.
Step 7 – Show, don't tell. Perhaps you're thinking of saying something like, "I'm committed to achieving my goals no matter what the cost." Even if this is true, it'll mean nothing to an employer if not validated by actual examples.
So try this instead: "My desire to win led me to go on national television and announce my intention to abandon my loyal hometown fans — despite the fact that I have a tattoo that says 'Loyalty' — and move to the same city where Brooke Hogan lives." You'd think that this would make you seem hypocritical, heartless, selfish, and worthy of 83 successive kicks to the groin, but a hiring CEO sees just one thing: employability.
Step 8 – Lie. Boldly and without discretion, because — let's face it — the truth hurts, and so why would you want to inflict pain on a potential employer? It's simple logic. So tell them that you earned an MBA, that you were a walk-on to the intramural squad at Wharton. Say that you're one of the Winklevoss twins. Say that never — not even once — were you on trial for sexual assault against a hotel employee. Say anything that'll keep you from having to play in Europe, where chicks don't shave their pits and police sirens sound cheerful.
So there you have it. Go forth and apply these principles, and I guarantee you'll be chest tattoo deep in job offers within a week.