#1 – The Local Legend
No one outside of your local market has ever heard this guy's name, but thanks to a big play he made in the 1974 playoffs, he's got a job for life providing color commentary and analysis for the home team. Which is too bad. You'd happily trade that old-timey title for someone with competence in the booth.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: "You know, this reminds me a lot of 1974 when I helped make history. Except not as special."
Job If He Wasn't Doing This: Appearing at every memorabilia show in the tri-state area.
#2 – The Hot Sideline Reporter
Everyone knows the only reason she got her job is because she's nice to look at. Is that the true reason she got her job? Maybe, maybe not. But the average fan sees her as nothing more than eye candy no matter what she says or does, so any time spent trying to be a real journalist is a waste of time. Her beauty is her blessing and her curse.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: "That home run almost went as deep as my cleavage."
Job If She Wasn't Doing This: Like, ohmigod, you guys! She totally can't imagine doing anything else! [Married to a player.]
#3 – The Homely Sideline Reporter
Her homeliness gives her instant credibility. Everyone knows she didn't get her job because of her looks, so she must be some kind of reporting genius! Is she really? Who knows. What we do know is that is definitely a hairy mole on her cheek.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: "Last night I interviewed the coach because I didn't have a date, like normal."
Job If She Wasn't Doing This: Cat lady.
#4 – The National Legend
He's on every list of the all-time greats in the game. So when he spouts catchphrases and obvious, conventional wisdom, it doesn't matter because it's a HALL OF FAMER SPOUTING CATCHPHRASES AND OBVIOUS, CONVENTIONAL WISDOM! This is Hall of Fame-quality idiocy you're getting!
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: "Teams need role players, but you can't win it all without stars. Trust me. That's how it was when we won in 1974."
Job If He Wasn't Doing This: Failed coach and/or failed restaurant/car dealership owner.
#5 — The Writer
His natural habitat is behind a keyboard, not in front of a camera. But he has some reporting chops and the TV folks thought they'd give him a try on television. When not covered in flop sweat or having his voice crack due to late onset puberty, he nearly does a passable job.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: "Are we live or can we shoot that part again? Because I just wet my pants."
Job If He Wasn't Doing This: He has one. Please, someone put him out of his misery and let him go back to being a writer only.
#6 — The Old Veteran
Maybe he was once great, maybe not. But he's been around forever and there's no way to get rid of him now. Firing him would be too big of a PR nightmare. He's got the job until death.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: "And there's another made dunk shot by Stan Musial." (while calling a touchdown run)
Job If He Wasn't Doing This: Putting away the shuffleboard equipment at the end of the day after his fellow retirement home residents are done playing.