The New England Patriots today announced the acquisitions of wide receiver Chad Ochocinco and defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth in a clear effort to complete their promising 2007 season a perfect 19-0.
"Chad caught 93 passes for 1,440 yards in 2007," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. "He's 33 now and hasn't been anywhere close to those numbers the last three seasons, but I think he can really give the Giants some match-up problems in the Super Bowl being on the other side of the field as Randy Moss."
Haynesworth, who was just 26 four years ago, would form an impressive Patriots defensive line with Richard Seymour and Vince Wilfork, if it was 2007 and Seymour was still on the team.
"I know football, so I know that you can't control every little thing no matter how much you might want to," said Belichick, while blasting Beyonce's 2007 hit "Irreplaceable" on the locker room sound system. "All I can do is make this team the best 2007 football team there is, coach them up and then kick some Giant ass in the Super Bowl."
Sources within the Patriots front office say they believe Belichick has gone insane due to syphilis contracted from his many sexual liaisons, but the head coach says he knows exactly what he is doing.
"Let's just say I know that time travel is possible," he said. "Videotape is not the only technology I have dabbled in."