The Bowl Championship Series stripped USC of its 2004 national title this week. And now the NCAA has followed that punishment by requiring all of the players on the championship USC team to wipe the memories of all the fun they had and sex they got as a result of winning the title.
"Many people have said that being stripped of the national title is a toothless measure," said NCAA president Mark Emmert. "So we wanted to hit them where it hurts. USC players: remember all of those hot co-eds you hooked up with in college? It was great, right? Now stop remembering it. You got that ass fraudulently."
Former USC quarterback Matt Leinart said it will be difficult to follow the NCAA's directive.
"In trying to forget everything, it actually brought back a lot of the memories," he said. "Man, I hooked up with a lot of chicks back in college. I mean a ton. And almost all of them were incredibly hot. Wow. I don't know how I ever even made it to class. What memories. I'm so glad I have them because I don't have much positive going on in my life right now." Leinart then excused himself, saying: "I have to go rub one out."
Reggie Bush says he had completely forgotten that USC even won a championship while he was there.
"Trust me, when you're getting the kind of ass I was getting, some computer-generated football trophy is the last thing on your mind," he said. "I remember being pissed we even had to play that game because I had a three-way scheduled for the same time."
Emmert stressed that USC's violations have real consequences.
"They crushed Oklahoma in the BCS title game that year," he said. "I'm sure that humiliating defeat really cut into the kind of tail that Oklahoma players were getting. USC robbed that from them. Sure, Oklahoma girls don't look anything like what you can get in Southern California, but I think we can mostly agree that sex with an Oklahoma girl is better than no sex at all."