Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Red Sox pitcher who exploded onto the scene back in 2007, will reportedly undergo a mysterious and wildly powerful surgery from the Orient called "gyrosurgery".
While traditional surgeries in Western medicine are highly invasive — including Tommy John Surgery, which most pitchers with Matsuzaka's injury would require — "gyrosurgery" is said to employ the skills of a Chinese shaman who summons the powers of the moon, tides and financial markets and then rubs his hands over the affected area while singing karaoke of American Top 40 hits, extracting the injury and leaving the patient stronger than before — and also immortal.
But Boston general manager Theo Epstein discounts the reports.
"There's nothing special going on with Daisuke," said Epstein. "I've heard the 'gyrosurgery' stuff, too, and, unfortunately, there's nothing to it. Most of the rumors are completely made up. He's not Chinese, for one. And the Chinese don't really have 'shaman' of that sort. No, Daisuke is just a very regular pitcher who will be getting a very routine surgery. Nothing more, nothing less."
Scott Boras, Matsuzaka's agent, insists gyrosurgery exists, however.
"Oh, it's very real. And Daisuke knows people who know how to do it," said Boras. "But it requires a $50 million donation to their, uh … 'gyrosurgery' … umm … dojo. Yeah, gyrosurgery dojo. You have to pay $50 million for them to teach you. But if the Red Sox do this, Daisuke could bring these mysterious and Eastern methods to Boston!"
Epstein says he knows what Boras is trying to do and that he "won't be fooled again" — but also says he will consider the arrangement.
"If we give them $50 million, Daisuke would leave and go to the 'strange and exotic Orient,' as Scott calls it," said Epstein. "So maybe we do that, but then never bring him back and don't return his calls. Then we'd be free of Daisuke forever, right? This could work. This could really work!"