Cleveland Cavaliers Planning to Draft the Most Loyal Player Available

With the 2011 NBA Draft just days away, members of the Cleveland Cavaliers front office said today that they are still not settled on who they will select with the No. 1 overall pick.

"It's a big decision," said team owner Dan Gilbert. "We haven't picked No. 1 since we unfortunately took the King of Failure and Betrayal No. 1 overall back in 2003. And we obviously don't want to be stuck with another King Fraud who abandons us."

While Duke point guard Kyrie Irving and Arizona forward Derrick Williams are at the top of most draft boards, the Cavaliers are hinting that they will likely draft elsewhere.

"Both Irving and Williams are outstanding players and will do well for the organizations they go to," said Cleveland GM Chris Grant. "But they both chose to leave school early. That's a definite red flag for us. They don't seem very loyal to the programs that got them to where they are today."

The Cavaliers are also not interested in Turkish center Enes Kanter.

"What kind of human being leaves his country to go play somewhere else?" asked Gilbert. "I can hardly even look at the traitor."

With every name in the draft failing Cleveland's loyalty test to some degree or another, the Cavaliers are reportedly leaning toward drafting Bill McGreevey, a 38 year-old unemployed Cleveland house painter who lives with his parents.

"Bill didn't leave Cleveland to find work elsewhere, he has never left the home of his dear mother and he is still madly in love with the only girlfriend he ever had, who broke up with him in 7th grade," said Gilbert. "He's the perfectly loyal package. Unfortunately, he hasn't played competitive basketball since he was on his school's JV team in 1988, but we think he has some potential and we know he'll never be offered a contract by any other team."