While many sports fans across the country are marveling at Boston's amazing run of success, with a championship in every major sport over the past seven years, and seven total titles in the last 10, Boston fans are instead stuck in an unshakeable state of depression over the plight of their MLS franchise, the New England Revolution.
"Everyone says we're lucky, but I don't see it," said Donnie McIntyre, a Boston fan who got into a brief celebratory brawl with some family members after the Bruins clinched the Stanley Cup. "The success of the Bruins, Red Sox, Celtics and Patriots just shines more light on the fact that our homo soccer team has never won their league, whatever it's called. I'm a diehard and I really suffer over their plight."
The Revolution, who have been around since the first MLS season in 1996, have yet to win a league championship. They did, however, lose in the title match four times between 2002 and 2007.
"I will never get over the heartbreak of those defeats," said Mikey McCaffrey, while taking a break from smashing a beer bottle over the head of a police horse. "I remember I was taking a shit during work and the paper was on the floor of the stall. So I picked it up to see if the Sox signed anyone. And there was this small item about the soccer team losing again. I wiped my ass with it because there was no toilet paper. But I couldn't believe we had a soccer team, and when I confirmed it by calling into sports radio, I fell into a deep depression. No one suffers like our teams!" he added while lighting a homeless man on fire.
But other Boston fans even discount the idea that the city has had a fortunate string of sports success.
"The Patriots haven't won a Super Bowl in six seasons," said a member Boston City Council who goes by the name Irish Danny. "No team has ever endured a drought of such duration, at least not a team that has as much talent as the Patriots. The heartache and suffering around this great city is evident wherever you go."
And still others say the city's teams have a long way to go.
"Until the Boston University Terriers win the BCS title, I will not be able to die happy," said McCaffrey, as he grabbed the ass of a passing female police officer. "Now let me go get maced. It's not a real title celebration if I don't get arrested."