According to high-ranking U.S. intelligence sources, American officials are currently managing Osama Bin Laden's fantasy baseball team — Allah Way Around The Bases — in hopes it will lead them to other terrorist targets.
Bin Laden competed in the "Death To America's Pastime League, LOL" on Yahoo Sports. The terrorist leader was reportedly on his laptop in his bedroom, working on trading Justin Morneau for pitching, when U.S. special forces burst into the room on Sunday.
"He was shot when he made what we thought was an aggressive move," said a U.S. intelligence official. "It turns out he was only motioning to click 'Accept' so the trade would go through before he was detained. Oh, well. I'm glad he's dead. Plus, Morneau for Kevin Correia is an insane trade. Morneau will turn it around."
Bin Laden's team currently is in 4th place in the 10-terrorist league, with the top three spots finishing in the money. First place earns the equivalent of $300 American, as well as a goat.
"It's not a fortune, but every little bit helps in recouping all of the money we spent capturing him," said the official. "I'm not sure what we'd do with the goat. I guess eat it."
Since the news of Bin Laden's death broke, posts on the league's message board have dwindled as the other terrorists in the league are no doubt spooked. But U.S. officials hope to get the dialogue going again with a post they left last night under Bin Laden's user name:
Hey, fellas! It's me! Osama! I'm not dead. The only thing that's dead around here is Zimam's team because he has Jeter, AM I RIGHT?
So far there have been no responses, except from Ayman al-Zawahiri — the top living Al-Qaeda official — who followed up by posting a smiley face emoticon. Al-Zawahiri, as it is well known, is a hardcore Boston Red Sox fan.