Tiger Woods Murders Phil Mickelson In Order to be Feared Again

In the midst of the worst slump of his golf career, and with fellow golfers saying he is no longer feared, Tiger Woods took a major step towards intimidating the PGA again by savagely beating Phil Mickelson to death with his golf cleats yesterday in the locker room at the Players Championship.

"There's blood. Blood everywhere. So much blood," said a clearly in shock Ian Poulter, who has repeatedly said that Tiger's dominance is over. "I- … I … Phil is dead. He's so dead."

Woods shot a 42 on the front-9 in the 1st Round at the Players Championship and then withdrew from the tournament with lingering knee pain. As he collected his belongings in the locker room, the Golf Channel was on a nearby television, and witnesses say he heard the TV analysts saying other players weren't scared of him anymore.

"He then took off his right shoe and held it above his head," said a weeping Stewart Cink. "'You don't fear me anymore?' he said. 'You will now, motherf—kers.' And then … it was so sudden. I couldn't rescue Phil."

Mickelson was sitting in front of his locker directly across from Woods. When the first spiked blows reigned down upon him, he elicited girl-like shrieks. And then he went silent, dead, as Woods continued to bludgeon his lifeless body, yelling: "WHO'S SCARED OF ME NOW? WHO'S SCARED OF ME NOW?" with each blow.

The assault only ended when Woods tweaked his knee on the slippery blood that pooled around him.

"I was scared of him again," said Martin Kaymer. "But then his knee went out. I'm pretty sure he'll be incapable of murdering me for at least a few weeks. I'd just run away."

Local law enforcement is seeking to speak to Woods about the murder, but PGA commissioner Tim Finchem is hoping they will let this one slide.

"Not every murder gets solved, you know?" said Finchem. "Maybe Tiger just needed to blow off some steam and now he'll be the Tiger of old again. I don't think anyone wants prison to get in the way of his pursuit of the majors record. Please. Please let him go free."

If he is arrested, it is likely Woods would receive a prison sentence of at least 30 years, meaning he would not be able to golf again until he is 65.

"Thirty years? Yeah, I think I could get over the nightmare of watching him kill Phil by then," said Poulter. "So I don't think I'd fear him when he gets out."