The Minor League Groupies
Minor League Groupies, like major league groupies, want to have sex with athletes. But Minor League Groupies are looking to buy low, start a serious relationship, get married and then hopefully cash in when the player makes the majors. (The Minor League Groupies become the wives the players eventually cheat on with major league groupies.)
If the investment pays off and the player makes the majors, they're set for life. If it doesn't, they're the MILF who's married to the high school baseball coach. There are worse fates.
When not at the game: The Minor League Groupie is having an affair with The Local Celebrity.
The Teenagers On A Date
Not too many teenagers on a McDonald's part-time, hourly wage can spring for tickets to a major league game. But $5 bleacher seats to a minor league game with their current crush? DATE NIGHT!
Their night out together will start innocently enough — a shared soda, hand-holding — but soon the crack of the bat and the romantic strains of the stadium organ will be too much to bear and they'll be rounding second base and heading for third. Please, stadium security, save some of your taser charge for them before they make everyone sick in their section.
When not at the game: The Teenagers On A Date are getting pregnant in the backseat of a 2003 Honda Civic.
The Major League Fan
He's here to check out his favorite team's minor league team. Is the right fielder really a future star? Is the shortstop really in over his head? TONIGHT'S GAME SHALL DETERMINE IT ALL!
Using a 9-inning sample size from some 1,300 innings that will be played this season, he will make his evaluations. And they will be gospel!
When not at the game: The Major League Fan is littering team message boards with his scouting observations. "You say he can't play in the majors! Ha! I actually saw him play LIVE against Altoona and in his pinch hit appearance in the sixth inning he worked the count and hit a great sac fly. I say he's our first baseman of the future."
The Family Out For A Nice Night Together
It's a beautiful night, so why not spend it together, outside, watching America's pastime … peanuts, cracker jacks, the whole thing! YAY! BASEBALL! AMERICANA!
By the 4th inning the wife is wondering why they never do anything she wants to do, the daughter is asleep, the son is playing baseball on his Nintendo DS and the father is realizing he doesn't really like baseball all that much when he's never heard of any of the players. At least they'll have no problem beating traffic.
When not at the game: The Family Out For A Nice Night Together is watching television in four different rooms.