The Local Celebrity
At a Yankees or Dodgers game, you might spot an international movie or TV star. At a minor league game, you'll see a celebrity with more of a local tie.
Why … is that Bob Sherman of Bob Sherman Chevrolet you just walked past entering the men's room??? It was! Supposedly he's throwing out tonight's first pitch! His toupee looks a bit more like real human hair in person than it does on his TV ads. Good for him. He's good people. You know what? Next time you need a Chevrolet, you're definitely going to Bob Sherman Chevrolet. Home of the low, low, low-low-low price guarantee!"
When not at the game: The Local Celebrity is getting his meals comped at some of the finest 2-star restaurants in the region.
Could The Drunk go to a major league stadium and get wasted and yell at the players? Sure. And he has. But major league stadiums charge $20 for parking and $8 for beers. In the minors, it's $5 for parking and $6 beers. Minor league drunkenness is the purer, more cost-effective form of public intoxication while watching our nation's pastime. Plus, fewer minor league stadium security staffers have tasers, so when he runs on the field … THERE HE GOES! WOOOOOOOOO! YES! TASE HIM! WOOOOOOOOO!
When not at the game: Per court orders, The Drunk is staying 1,000 feet away from all local schools. Usually.
The Minor League Diehard
They've got a team hat and team jersey on and they are keeping score. They've got the radio broadcast on their headphones. They cheer for all of the players by their first names. They are sitting alone. Because they don't want to be distracted. And also because they have no friends. And also because their personal hygiene is lacking.
Their car has a bumper sticker celebrating the 2004 league championship, when the local team proved they were the best baseball team in the world that's not good enough to be in the majors. They can rattle off the rosters and stats of every team dating back decades. But they are emotionally scarred. Every time they become attached to a player, he gets called up to a higher level. Why does it have to hurt so much each time? WHY?!
When not at the game: The Minor League Diehard is totally not stalking the players. Nope. Not at all. They just happen to go to the same dentist as the backup shortstop. "You like the bubble gum flavor, too? So do I! Mind if I have your spit?"
The Little League Team
Their head coach brought them to a game to show them how the pros play. "See how they turn this double play? Ah, well … okay, the second baseman didn't mean to throw the ball into the stands. But you get the idea." "Now watch how the batter makes sure to make contact so he can move the runner over. Welp. Down on three strikes. Why don't you kids just go get some cotton candy? I'll meet you by the gate over there when the game is over."
When not at the game: The Little League Team is chucking the ball into the stands and striking out.