#1 – The Official Equipment Guy
You don’t know exactly what his salary is, but it’s apparently more than yours. Or, if he does make what you make, he is spending 90-percent of his income on softball equipment. He’s got several top-of-the line bats, a brand new glove, two batting gloves, cleats, baseball pants, moisture-wicking performance apparel under his uniform, wrist bands and an expensive bag to keep it all in. Estimated retail price: way, way, way too much for a softball league that has a grand prize of a $14 plastic trophy.
It’s all well and good, though, as long as this guy isn’t control of any sort of budget at work. If he is, expect your company to go under by the end of the year, just after his $400,000 remodel of the reception area is completed.
#2 – The Injury Machine
He has yet to make it through a single game without suffering a major injury. Sprained ankle, torn hamstring, broken finger. There was even that time he got attacked by a swarm of bees in center field. Cal Ripken played 2,632 consecutive games against the greatest competition in the world; this guy can’t even make it through 7 innings against Davis Refrigeration.
And while his injuries hurt the performance of your softball team, it’s even worse at work. Good luck impressing a prospective client when this guy hobbles into the meeting covered in open sores.
#3 – The No-Show
The company softball team isn’t mandatory and everyone has — or tries to have — a life outside of the office. So sometimes it can be a challenge to wrangle up 10 players for a game. It’s even more of a challenge when you suspect that one of your co-workers who has confirmed they’ll be there won’t show up.
You: Really? Are you sure you can make it tonight? Because you left us in a bind last week. And the week before.
No-Show: Oh, definitely. I’ll be there. There was just a miscommunication with my wife about picking up the kids last week. I’ll be there tonight. You can count on me.
You: Alright. You are our tenth player. We’re counting on you. Be there by 6 pm, okay?
No-Show: I’ll be there by 5:30.
By the time 6:30 rolls around, your team is one player short and getting drubbed. Oh, well. At least the team always has a good excuse for sucking.
#4 – The Ex-Baseball Star
He played in high school, maybe even college, and he’s the most talented player on your team by far. There is pressure on him to perform. And he’s feeling it. Maybe that’s why he’s swinging so hard. Really, really, really hard.
Ah, jeez. There’s another towering pop up. It’s an easy out. All you needed was a little single and a couple runs would have scored. But it was an impressive easy out. No one else on your team could hit a pop up even half that high. Who cares that he’s hitting .200. He intimidates the opposition.
And remember that one game last month when he hit a legit, over-the-fence home run? That was easily one of the greatest moments in the history of the company softball team. No, screw that. It was one of the greatest moments in the history of the company.
#5 – The Drunk
In the parking lot before the game he’s drinking. He’s drinking during the game in the dugout. And all he talks about between swigs is where everyone wants to go out after the game. It’s very likely he has a serious drinking problem. But then everyone has known that since he drunkenly dry-humped a fake tree during the company Holiday Party.
#6 – The Hot Girl
She might be an intern, she might just be a young, attractive co-worker. But she looks really good in a pair of shorts and a tight t-shirt. Has she ever played softball? She looks really good in a pair of shorts and a tight t-shirt. Could it be argued that she is single-handedly to blame for at least half of your team’s losses this season? She looks really good in a pair of shorts and a tight t-shirt.
Also, running. She looks really good when she’s running. Can’t forget that. She looks amazing when she’s running.
#7 – The Softball Girl
She is awesome at softball. She played fast-pitch in school and is a great athlete. She routinely hits the ball over the heads of the opposing team’s outfielders when they move in for her at-bats, assuming no girl has that kind of power. She’s one of the only players on the team who can catch a fly ball or field a grounder without making it an adventure. Unfortunately for her, almost no one notices any of this because she doesn’t look quite as good in shorts and a tight t-shirt as that other girl.
#8 – The Guy Who Brings His Kids
Lots of people on the team hate The No-Show, but at least he doesn’t use the team dugout as his after-hours child care. In exchange for having a bat boy or girl at the game, now everyone has to watch what they say and do because little kid ears are present. Thanks a lot for making an after-work activity even more restrictive than being at work, fella.
The Drunk doesn’t play by the G-rated rules, however. “Hey, Tom’s girl — how old are you? Eleven? Dammit. You look older.”
#9 – The Moron
Somehow this person grew up in America yet has almost zero understanding of the rules of baseball/softball. Tagging up? Not a clue. He runs on contact no matter where the ball goes. Throwing to the cut off man? He hurls it as hard as he can in the general direction of the pitcher’s mound in every situation. And whenever he asks the score, he wants to know how many “points” each team has.
Why is he even playing softball? Who knows. He might just be so dumb that he thinks he’s playing cricket.
#10 – The Boss
Competitors at the Special Olympics don’t get more encouragement.
“Great contact! It will drop in next time!”
“Oh! Bad hop there. Not your fault.”
“No worries. You moved the runner over. Productive out!”
Chances are he didn’t start the company softball team to get the company name out in the community or provide employees with a fun activity to do together away from work. He probably started it because he really enjoys hearing people kiss his ass.