There is yet another crack today in the long-held belief that the professional sports world is resistant to homosexuals with the release of a survey showing overwhelming support for the introduction of lesbians into major league locker rooms.
"Oh, hell yes," said Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs before the interviewer even finished his question about having a homosexual teammate. "I'd be on a team full of hot lesbians if there was one. Definitely. And I'd be cool with a few gay dudes, too, because I'd know they wouldn't be trying to compete with me for the girls. Yes, yes, yes. I am very open-minded about all that."
Suggs' sentiments were echoed by athletes surveyed in all four major sports.
"It's an interesting question you pose and a topic of great import," said Dodgers pitcher Josh Beckett. "Just last night at our hotel I was watching a fascinating documentary about it. Well, I don't know if you would necessarily call it a documentary. It was a porno. But the one girl had a natural rack, so it seemed pretty realistic. Anyway, I'm all for having lesbian teammates and then, of course, instantly making them bi with my rugged masculinity and having non-stop orgies with them."
Athlete after athlete ignored the true point of the question — whether they would be okay with a gay, male teammate — and instead jumped right to lesbian fantasy. Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin says that is common for any topic that is brought up in a sports locker room.
"I can say something like: 'Today we're going to work on our two-minute drill,'" said Tomlin, "and without question some player will pipe up with 'You know who I'd like to drill? Two chicks.' Twenty minutes later, I'm still trying to get everyone's attention."
But while surveyors did not get the exact answer to the question they were asking, they say it still shows progress in the sports world.
"The question we asked was: 'Would you be okay with having a gay teammate?'" said Jay Pierpont, the study's director. "It's definitely an improvement that they went right to lesbian fantasy. Five years ago when we did this study, the moment I said the word 'gay,' most athletes would throw up and then beat me with a chair while yelling homophobic slurs. So we're getting there. I think we're just five years away from them actually answering the question and then just five more years away from professional sports finally being inclusive."