San Antonio Spurs Retire

From their haggard coach, to their aging star, to their balding, do-everything swing man, the San Antonio Spurs have come to a decision: the franchise is retiring.

"We've been around since 1967," said general manager R.C. Buford. "Almost 45 years. We've won 17 division titles, 4 NBA titles — there's not much more we can accomplish. And, as everyone saw in the playoffs, we don't have much left."

The Spurs say they don't want to be one of those franchises that sticks around too long and becomes a laughingstock.

"Look at teams like the Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions in football," said Spurs owner Peter Holt. "They were great back in the '50s, but that was a long time ago and now they're big jokes. They should have quit years ago. This franchise is too proud to let our accomplishments be ruined like that."

The Spurs franchise says it will miss basketball, but that it looks forward to experiencing life outside of the sport.

"It will be good to catch up with the Seattle SuperSonics. We haven't seen them for a few years," said a Spurs spokesman. "Unlike us, they were forced into retirement. Maybe we can play a lot of golf together or something."

The City of San Antonio says it will retire the Spurs' jersey at City Hall.