Major League Baseball informed Toronto Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista today that he is being suspended for 50 games under the drug code provision that allows the commissioner to suspend anyone who everyone thinks is using steroids.
"In Jose's defense, he has never failed a drug test," said commissioner Bud Selig. "On the other hand, last year at age 29 he suddenly transformed from an established turd of a player with middling home run ability into the most dominating power force the sport has seen in a decade. Sooooooooo … yeah."
Bautista maintains his innocence and says he will appeal the suspension. But there is very little he can do. According to Selig, an anonymous poll was taken of everyone in baseball — players, coaches, front office executives and fans — and 100-percent said they believe Bautista is definitely using something, a unanimous result which triggers the allowance for suspension.
According to one player who asked to remain anonymous, he has heard rumors that Bautista is a deformed tumor that grew off of one of Barry Bonds' pec muscles, was surgically removed, incubated for a year, and then placed into the middle of Toronto's lineup.
"It seems unlikely, I suppose," said the player. "But where else did he come from? The Pirates? That's absolutely ridiculous."
Selig says Bautista's suspension will be lifted as soon he discloses the details of the new, undetectable steroid he is obviously taking.
"The ball is in his court," said Selig. "He either has to come clean or promise to go back to hitting .235 with no more than 16 home runs."
The U.S. government is also planning to charge Bautista as soon as they can think up something that might have a remote chance of sticking, which they will then pursue to the failed end, no matter how many millions the case costs.