Women’s Basketball Players Officially Apologize for Their Existence

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Women's basketball players are using the 2011 Women's Final Four as a platform to apologize for their existence and love of the sport.

"We apologize for even taking up your time to issue this statement," said some female basketball player at a press conference, "because we know you want to see less of us, not more. But we just feel the need to apologize for being alive and for enjoying a sport that you also like. We can't change it, but we hope it doesn't ruin your life too much."

The female basketball players say they plan to complete their tournament, but don't want you to feel pressured to watch it or read about it.

"I didn't ask for media coverage of the game," said one of the players. "I mean it's nice to get attention for being good at something you care about, but I know it really bothers a lot of people. So I'm completely happy to just play the game for the sake of playing it — you know, if you all don't mind. Please? It would mean so much to me. I've put a lot of time into this."

"If I could be free of this curse, I would be," said another player. "I'll never forget the disappointment on my parents' faces when I told them I was a female basketball player. But this is who I am. I truly love basketball and I enjoy playing it and I'm even pretty good at it. I can't help it."

While officially apologizing for their existence and stating they will go away permanently if asked, the female basketball players also asked for one favor.

"This is the one true joy in our lives. We love basketball," said one lady who might have been a coach. "So we ask, very humbly, that if there's any way you could let us do what we love to do in exchange for maybe being subjected to a few seconds of our highlights or some scores at the bottom of your TV every once in a while, we would really appreciate it. Thanks!"

The women then ended their press conference and said they were sorry if it went too long.


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