The 9 People You’ll See At Every Golf Course


The Misogynist

Description: He doesn't so much enjoy golf as he enjoys having an environment where it's acceptable to complain about women and crudely talk about sex. Leave a putt short or hit a weak drive? "Come on, Sally! You hit that like a pussy! Nice skirt! Does your husband play?" Hit a putt past the hole or crush a drive? "Whoa! Someone's wife isn't giving him enough of the poontang! Look at all that extra aggression!" Whatever The Misogynist shoots in a round, put him down for double that number on uses of the terms "old lady" and "ole' ball and chain."

Fun Fact: The Misogynist has been banned from 12 courses for trying to feel up the beverage cart girl.

The Rules Official

Description: He has read the USGA rules book two dozen times and has a copy of it in his golf bag that he will display at a moment's notice. You better not be trying to move your ball out of that mud patch in the middle of the fairway because, according to Rule 13-b(1.4), that particular mud patch, due to its lack of distinguishing marks, does not fit the criteria for "ground under repair." I mean, sure, if you want to play that way, fine. But if this was the US Open you'd be getting a significant penalty.

Fun Fact: The Rules Official received a severe beating in 8th grade after reminding his math teacher that she had forgotten to assign homework.

The Mulligan Man

Description: He is the complete opposite of The Rules Official. To him, it's always winter rules … wherever his ball lands, he just finds the nearest and best lie without any sort of obstruction between him and the hole. And then he props it up on a cluster of grass like a tee. Golf's not so hard! Whoops! Hit one out of bounds again? Just like on the last four holes? Nope! Not really! He didn't use his 5th hole mulligan yet! And that's a gimme from 10-feet, right? Well, it doesn't matter anyway. He's going to count the putt whether it goes in or not. Put him down for yet another par!

Fun Fact: Despite losing 14 balls during the round, Mulligan Man still managed to shoot 78. Amazing!

The Old Ladies

Description: It's nice to get out and play golf for 4 or 5 hours. It's less fun when those 4-5 hours become 8-9 because you are stuck behind a foursome of The Old Ladies. Every shot they hit — regardless of whether it's with a driver or a putter — goes 11-feet. A 6,000-yard course divided up in 11-feet increments is a pretty slow haul. Why are they even out here in the first place? I mean, they may only have a few years to live. Why spend those fleeting years getting in one last round of golf?

Fun Fact: None of The Old Ladies can hear very well, so it's acceptable to curse at them from the tee box.

The Younger Ladies

Description: When you first glimpsed her across the fairway on another hole some 400 yards away, it was love at first sight. So hot. A golf visor, a ponytail, a golf skirt and a form-fitting polo. Wow. This might be the hottest woman you have ever seen. How can you concentrate on golf with this goddess nearby?

One hole later when play gets a bit backed up and you pull up behind her foursome on the tee box, you'll see that she's maybe not EXACTLY a supermodel: late 40s, bad skin, generally unattractive anywhere outside of the golf course. But who cares. You haven't seen a real, live woman in, like, more than an hour. So she'll work as your fantasy mistress just fine until your round is over and you go back to regular civilization.

Fun Fact: Golf Goggles actually have a much stronger prescription than Beer Goggles. And if they're both in effect? You might find yourself having a very, very slow romp in a bunker with one of The Old Ladies. Careful with her hips.

The Drunk

Description: Golf to him is a drinking sport like Beer Pong or Flip Cup. He's got five hours to get wasted in the sun, a cooler full of beer in the back of the cart and a flask in his golf bag and time's a wastin'! Let's DRINK! LET'S DO THIS!

Fun Fact: On holes 4 and 5, The Drunk will play some of the best, smoothest golf you have ever seen just as a buzz starts setting in. On holes 10 and 11 he will take a 10 and an 11. By hole 15 he will be asleep in the cart.

The Gorilla

Description: He can hit the ball 350 yards off the tee. Pure power. Also: pure failure. Because his shots almost never go anywhere near their intended target. And even when they go in the right direction they usually fly through the fairway or over the green and into some hazard. And then he has to rely on his "short game." Heads up! The next shot is coming out of a green-side bunker at 400 mph straight at your head.

Fun Fact: Part of The Gorilla's natural swing is to yell "Fore!" at the point of contact. Better safe than sorry.

The Pisser

Description: If he's on a golf course, he's going to exercise his golfer's right to take a piss outdoors. It doesn't matter that it's only the 3rd hole and that he went in the clubhouse bathroom before teeing off and that there was a portable toilet near the 2nd hole — that tree over there is getting pissed on!

Fun Fact: No matter how much you try not to, you're going to see this guy's junk before your round is over. It's impossible not to with him randomly whipping it out to piss on stuff every few holes.

The PGA Pro Look-Alike

Description: This guy looks like he stepped out of a Sunday afternoon CBS golf broadcast. His shoes are pristine. His golf glove is fresh and white. He's got brand name golf pants and shirt. Taylor Made hat. Titleist golf balls that are $4 each. And then you get to his golf bag: there are more expensive, space age metals in there than the new NASA shuttles. And his bag is covered with clips and towels and buttons from all of the elite courses he's played across the country. Wow. This guy must be awesome!

Fun Fact: He's terrible. As his ground ball off the tee proved. But it's not his fault. He just needs to get that new $800 driver that came out. Really. Then you'll see. He's going to try to qualify for the US Open next year. He just needs to break 100 first and then it will be easy from there. Would you like another swing tip from him?