Panthers to Use the First Pick to Announce That Cam Newton is a Big Jerk

Without a clear No. 1 overall pick in this year's NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers are hinting they will instead use the spotlight of the first pick to join the parade questioning the character of Auburn quarterback and Heisman winner Cam Newton.

According to sources close to the Panthers, they will instruct commissioner Roger Goodell to announce their selection in this way: "With the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers say Cam Newton is kind of a dick." That will cause the Panthers to forfeit the No. 1 pick to Denver and slide to No. 2, where they may select Alabama defensive tackle Marcell Dareus.

"All of these scouts and media members who are ganging up on Cam seem to really be enjoying themselves," said Panthers GM Marty Hurney. "So since we weren't completely sold on Cam becoming an NFL quarterback, we thought we'd take the opportunity to really stick it to him in primetime before all the football fans in the country, the cocky, cheating prick."

While Newton is a rare talent with an outgoing personality, he has also faced shots around the league for his presumed knowledge of his father's selling him to colleges and a perceived lack of sincerity.

"I asked Cam right out if he was a lying asshole," said one NFL general manager. "And he looked me right in the eyes and said he was not. That's just what a lying asshole would say."

While Newton could be in for a fall down the draft board if the Panthers pass on him at No. 1, it is not likely he will fall too far.

"Someone will want him on their team," said Hurney, "if for no other reason than to sit him on the bench and watch him suffer while his career wastes away. He deserves it. What kind of person has a dad like that?"