Your Mascot-By-Mascot Analysis of the NCAA Tournament Field

Southwest Region

1st Round

1 – Kansas Jayhawks vs. 16 – Boston University Terriers

Now, you might be inclined to pick the Jayhawks simply because Terriers are a domesticated and generally pretty docile house-pet, but you'd be wrong. There is simply no scientific evidence that a Jayhawk would have any aggressive tendencies, specifically because it is, in fact, fictional.

I feel like a Jayhawk would just sort of hang around and look cute, maybe spend some time shining the red buckles on its shoes while a Terrier could, hypothetically, be goaded into attacking through a cruel and inhumane behavior programming routine of starvation and abuse.

Disclaimer: In no way do I advocate cruelty to animals, this is an academic discussion, not a call to action.

ADVANTAGE: Boston University Terriers.

8 – UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. 9 – Illinois Fighting Illini

This is unique because we have two human opponents. I have to go with the Illini, simply because a Runnin' Rebel would be more likely to retreat in cowardice; the word "Runnin," after all, is right there in their name. UNLV sort of has the Frenchman's mascot.

ADVANTAGE: Illinois Fighting Illini.

5 – Vanderbilt Commodores vs. 12 – Richmond Spiders

While it is difficult to imagine a scenario in which a high-ranking Naval officer would be pitted to the death against a tiny arachnid, I have to assume it is some situation where the Spider has stowed-away in the Commodore's quarters, and they both realized the other is in the same room, and it's a little awkward.

That being said, the spider reacts quicker and additionally seems to have some kind of fangs which may or may not be poisonous. Because I inexplicably hate all things Navy, I'll go with the poisonous fangs.

ADVANTAGE: Richmond Spiders

4 – Lousville Cardinals vs. 13 – Morehead State Eagles

This is sort of a no-brainer. An Eagle is going to lock that down every time.
Seriously, what does a Cardinal have going for it? The fact that it is BRIGHT RED and easily spotted by Eagles? Uh, sorry Louisville.

ADVANTAGE: Morehead State Eagles

6 – Georgetown Hoyas vs. 11 – VCU Rams / USC Trojans

A little controversy surrounds our next fight: The Georgetown Hoyas vs. either the VCU Rams or USC Trojans. I'm pretty sure a Trojan would beat a Ram, and I am further more certain that a Trojan would beat a flower. That's right, I've done two minutes of Wikipedia research, and turns out that a Hoya is flower. A flower versus an ancient killing machine.


3 – Purdue Boilermakers vs. 14 – Saint Peter's Peacocks

Purdue Boilermakers (a giant, steel locomotive) vs. the Saint Peter's Peacocks (a small, weak bird). Seriously? Peacocks? A giant steel train rolls down the tracks and runs the Peacock over, leaving a trail of brightly-colored feathers and broken dreams.

ADVANTAGE: Purdue Boilermakers

7 – Texas A&M Aggies vs. 10 – Florida State Seminoles

Another interesting fight. If this was a fight to see who could cultivate the most land, I'd have to go with the Aggies. But, this is a grueling death-match, and the Seminoles used war-clubs studded with shark teeth. Look it up: clubs with shark teeth! Sorry, Aggies, you're boned.

ADVANTAGE: Florida St. Seminoles.

2 – Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. 15 – Akron Zips

I wonder how this board meeting went down. I imagine it was something like this:

[[[chat]]]Board member: Well, we've narrowed it down to Tigers, Wildcats or Bears. And, of course, Professor Johnson has submitted "Zips" as a joke.

Akron Chancellor: I like Zips. Let's go with Zips.

Board member: Really? Zips? What is a Zip?

Akron Chancellor: I like to do drugs.[[[/chat]]]

Furthermore, the Zip is a female kangaroo. All it would do is run around trying to protect whatever baby was in its pouch. Seriously, the only other female kangaroo I can think of from pop culture is Kanga from Winnie the Pooh, and I don't recall her having that "killer instinct".

ADVANTAGE: Notre Dame Fighting Irish

– – – – –

2nd Round

9 – Illinois Fighting Illini vs. 16 – Boston University Terriers

Even assuming that the Terriers are still in their elevated, savage state from all the abuse (which I again absolutely do not condone), the Illini are more than likely going to have man-made tools, which (sadly) dogs just still don't have the hang of.

ADVANTAGE: Illinois Fighting Illini

12 – Richmond Spiders vs. 13 – Morehead State Eagles

Let me drop some science on you. Birds eat bugs, right? Spiders are technically bugs.

ADVANTAGE: Morehead State Eagles

3 – Purdue Boilermakers vs. 11 – USC Trojans

We'll begin by breaking down the word "locomotive." Derived from the Spanish word, "loco" which means "crazy" and the word "motive" which means "metal machine of carnage," we can see that the Trojans, albeit a formidable foe, would probably have their bones crushed by the locomotive.

Other things to consider: A Trojan could just step off the tracks and probably be fine.

Even more things to consider: The Trojans were beaten by a giant, wooden horse. Now, I'm no military tactician, but I can't imagine that I would be that dumb.

[[[chat]]]HECTOR: Hey, remember how those guys sailed here from Greece and have been trying to kill us for ten years? Well, they just dropped off a giant, wooden horse. Should we totally let our guard down and bring it inside?

PRIAM: Hell yes. Grab some tequila, we'll have a horse party![[[/chat]]]

ADVANTAGE: Purdue Boilermakers.

2 – Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. 10 – Florida State Seminoles

It's tough to tell who would win between a Florida State Seminole and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. My assumption is that the Fighting Irish are so pumped about their win over the Zips (what is a Zip?) that they got drunk and are in no position to fight.

ADVANTAGE: Florida State Seminoles

– – – – –

Sweet Sixteen

9 – Illinois Fighting Illini vs. 13 – Morehead State Eagles

It's pretty common knowledge that man has hunted eagles to near-extinction; therefore, history dictates that the Illini would win. I am, however, tired of writing Illinois Fighting Illini. It's just way too many "I"s.

ADVANTAGE: Morehead State Eagles

3 – Purdue Boilermakers vs. 10 – Florida State Seminoles

Once again, a giant, steel train is pretty daunting, but all the Seminoles have to do is not be on the tracks. Additionally, it's common knowledge that if you put a penny on the tracks, it will derail the train every time.

The Boilermakers' previous opponents didn't have any loose change, because the Irish spent all their spare cash on beer and the Peacock is a Peacock, but the Seminoles come prepared.

ADVANTAGE: Florida State Seminoles.

– – – – –

Elite Eight

10 – Florida State Seminoles vs. 13 – Morehead State Eagles

We've sort of already deliberated on who would win between a Native American and a bird-of-prey, but once again: war-clubs with shark's teeth. Can you imagine anything more terrifying?

Seriously, it's an instrument that says, "Not only do I want to kill you, but I killed a shark to make doing so more simple."

ADVANTAGE: Florida State Seminoles advance to the Final Four

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