Your Mascot-By-Mascot Analysis of the NCAA Tournament Field: Part 2

West Region

1 – Duke Blue Devils vs. 16 – Hampton Pirates

NCAA Basketball Tournament - Binghamton Bearcats v Duke Blue Devils
The Duke Blue Devils were named after "famous French Soldiers known for their flowing capes and jaunty berets". You may be in inclined to think that I have taken some liberty with this quote for comedic purposes, but they actually have it right up front on their web site.

Either way, Pirates aren't known for their strong moral fiber (all that raping and pillaging), and are quite likely to succumb to the temptations of any form of demon.

Regardless of its color or how jaunty its beret is.

ADVANTAGE: Duke Blue Devils

8 – Michigan Wolverines vs. 9 – Tennessee Volunteers

Wolverines are savage mammals known for their sharp claws and ferocious hunting skills. Volunteers are known for their tenacious ability to cook soup for poor people and collect money for needy kids at Christmas time. We have quite a fight on our hands here, folks, but the Volunteers pull it out in the end. Turns out soup ladles are a Wolverine's Achilles heel.

ADVANTAGE: Tennessee Volunteers

5 – Arizona Wildcats vs. 12 – Memphis Tigers

I think we all know that the Arizona Wildcats win this one, seeing as Sandra Bullock's character in the movie "Speed" was a Wildcat. Anyone that can keep a bus moving at 50 miles per hour for that long isn't going to have any trouble with a Tiger.

ADVANTAGE: Arizona Wildcats

4 – Texas Longhorns vs. 13 – Oakland Golden Grizzlies

You may be thinking, "Oh, wow, Oakland. These Golden Grizzlies have probably
been slingin' rock since they were cubs are most likely packin' heat; they've got to win against a bunch of cows!"

But, it turns out that this Oakland is in Michigan. Also, you're a racist.

ADVANTAGE: Texas Longhorns

6 – Cincinnati Bearcats vs. 11 – Missouri Tigers

I guess the mascot naming committee at Cincinnati was indecisive and just decided to mix Bears and Cats into some kind of weird, Island of Dr. Moreau abomination. Well, I say they've been playing God up in Cincinnati for long enough.

ADVANTAGE: Missouri Tigers

3 – Connecticut Huskies vs. 14 – Bucknell Bison

Strangely, the word "husky", when applied to animals, means a majestic, highly-trained half-wolf/half-dog capable of working as part of a team to win sled races. When applied to humans, it means "we think you are fat, but don't want to hurt your feelings".

ADVANTAGE: Bucknell Bison

7 – Temple Owls vs. 10 – Penn State Nittany Lions

This is a fight between two relatively unorthodox mascots. An owl vs. the King of the Jungle doesn't initially seem like a fair fight, but consider how
wise owls are. An owl would be able to analyze the lion's weak points, develop unconventional strategies, and really give the lion a run for its … Nah, I'm just kidding. the lion would rip its head off. How many claw swipes does it take to get to the center of an owl? Only one, my friend. Only one.

ADVANTAGE: Penn State Nittany Lions

2 – San Diego State Aztecs vs. 15 – Northern Colorado Bears

Unfortunately, the Aztecs were wiped out by European diseases beginning in the 16th century. So, if there was a fight today between an Aztec and a bear, I think in the name of science and historical preservation, we shouldn't let the bear kill what is the last of a proud and noble people that were destroyed by colonial greed.

ADVANTAGE: San Diego State Aztecs

– – – – –

Round 2

1 – Duke Blue Devils vs. 9 – Tennessee Volunteers

While the Blue Devils had no problem corrupting the Hampton Pirates to the dark side with their promises of riches and free iPad 2s, the Volunteers have hearts of gold, and are completely invulnerable to the Blue Devils evil lies. Unfortunately, their hearts are not invulnerable to pitchforks, which the Blue Devils would use to stab them repeatedly.

ADVANTAGE: Duke Blue Devils

4 – Texas Longhorns vs. 5 – Arizona Wildcats / 11 – Missouri Tigers vs. 14 – Bucknell Bison

Now, I'll admit, I was raised in the city, but I bet if you wanted a freak out a bunch of cows, the easiest way would be to drop a wildcat into the middle of them. Can you imagine the circus that would follow? And the same rules really apply to the Bucknell Bison and the Missouri Tigers. Seriously, pitting a tiger against a bison is like pitting Kirstie Alley against a Big Mac. I wonder what the over/under on that one is.

ADVANTAGE: Missouri Tigers and Arizona Wildcats

2 – San Diego State Aztecs vs. 10 – Penn State Nittany Lions

As you remember, we decided that it would be cruel to kill off the final living Aztec in the first round. Well, lions rarely listen to reason. The lion sleeps tonight, mainly because he's full on Aztec McNuggets.

ADVANTAGE: Penn State Nittany Lions

– – – – –

Elite Eight

1 – Duke Blue Devils vs. 10 – Penn State Nittany Lions

We actually have to skip straight to the Elite Eight game. We would have had the Duke Blue Devils and the Arizona Wildcats and the Penn State Nittany Lions vs. the Missouri Tigers, but unfortunately Kirstie Alley ate the Tigers and Wildcats.

In our last fight to secure the coveted Final Four spot, we have the Duke Blue Devils and the Penn State Nittany Lions. Once again, the Duke Blue Devil will try to make a deal with the Nittany Lion, perhaps offering an antelope's corpse or the title to Pride Rock or something else that a lion might desire.

But, the Blue Devil has forgotten one thing: the lion is already the king of the jungle. There's nothing else that he needs! Also, everyone hates Duke. I mean, come on, they're Duke!

ADVANTAGE: Penn State Nittany Lions advance to the Final Four

_ … click ahead for the East Region … _


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