Your Mascot-By-Mascot Analysis of the NCAA Tournament Field

If you are taking your bracket seriously this year, you probably have all kinds of detailed knowledge about which team has the most trips to the free-throw line while playing after 6 PM during daylight savings time while having one or more players with a "Q" in their name playing in the power forward position.

While stats like these combine all the things that make sports awesome (Excel spreadsheets, late nights with a clipboard, and advanced calculus) I propose we take a break from the official line and see who would win based on mascots.

Southeast Region

1 – Pitt Panthers vs. 16 – UNC-Asheville Trojans / Arkansas-Little Rock Bulldogs

Pittsburgh v Georgetown
We've all seen YouTube videos of Bulldogs skateboarding, so we know they have incredible dexterity, but can they win in a fight against a soldier from a famous epic poem? Turns out it's irrelevant.

The Pittsburgh Panther kills the distracted Trojan, who has never seen a skateboard, let alone a Bulldog riding on one, and then the Panther kills the Bulldog. It looks a little something like this:

[[[chat]]]TROJAN: What manner of horseless chariot dost that yonder canine ride upon?

Panther: [maul] [[[/chat]]]

(I don't know why the Trojan speaks with a Shakespearean accent, it just seemed right.)

ADVANTAGE: Pitt Panthers

8 – Butler Bulldogs vs. 9 – Old Dominion Monarchs

The Monarch first attempts to crush the Bulldog's head with his scepter, but cannot seem to land a hit (remember, Bulldogs have incredible dexterity).

The Monarch tires quickly, having no subjects to complete his tasks for him, and is quickly subdued by the Bulldog, who adds insult to injury by forcing him to sign the Magna Carta.

ADVANTAGE: Butler Bulldogs

4 – Wisconsin Badgers vs. 13 – Belmont Bruins

What is a Bruin you ask? It's actually a very drunk bear (Bruin being a long-accepted bastardization of the word Brewin'). The Bruin comes out of the locker room after a long night of partying and is all like: "Oh my God, what did I do last night?" and then logs onto Facebook and has to start deleting pictures of himself dancing on tables and flashing his bear parts to the bartender for free drinks.

Badgers win by five, and by five I mean five claws ripping off the hungover bear's face.

ADVANTAGE: Wisconsin Badgers.

5 – Kansas State Wildcats vs. 12 – Utah State Aggies

History tells us that wildcats don't match up well against farmers: they usually have rifles and irrigation and stuff like that.

ADVANTAGE: Utah State Aggies

6 – St. John's Red Storm vs. 11 – Gonzaga Bulldogs

St. John's lists their mascot as the Red Storm, which is an ambiguous mascot, sure, but at least it's not another bulldog like Gonzaga. And as imposing as a storm may seem, as long as the Bulldog has any form of shelter, he's going to be okay. Also, "Red Storm" smacks of communism, and, by God, this is America's tournament.

ADVANTAGE: Gonzaga Bulldogs

3 – BYU Cougars vs. 14 – Wofford Terriers

Wofford Terriers. This is two teams in the NCAA Tournament that felt like "Terriers" would strike fear into the hearts of their opponents. Seriously, were their chancellors house cats? Did they all earn PhD's in Playing With a Ball of Yarn?


7 – UCLA Bruins vs. 10 – Michigan State Spartans

As we've previously discussed, Bruins are giant drunk lushes and Spartans are god-like warriors with awesome abs.

ADVANTAGE: Michigan State Spartans

2 – Florida Gators vs. 15 – UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

As we all know from the jump, Gaucho is the Spanish word for man-purse, so your initial reaction might be to think that a Gator would win in a fight against an inanimate object, but consider this: A lot of purses and luggage are made out of what?

That's right, alligator skin. Sorry I just blew your mind.

ADVANTAGE: UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

– – – – –

Round 2

1 – Pittsburgh Panthers vs. 8 – Butler Bulldogs

In the power vacuum left over from killing the Monarchs, the Bulldogs ratify a constitution promising a pork-chop in every dog dish and a skateboard in every garage, which they promptly fail to deliver on.

They are soon guillotined by a mob of angry protesters, French Revolution-style.

ADVANTAGE: Pitt Panthers

4 – Wisconsin Badgers vs. 12 – Utah State Aggies

Aggies are typically pretty good at ridding their land of pests and vermin, so they form a complex plan involving time-tested cultivation techniques such as crop rotation and airborne dusting with various chemical poisons.

Unfortunately, the Aggies forget the number one rule of fighting with Badgers: Never fight with Badgers. While the Aggies are poring over their precious Farmer's Almanac, the Badgers rip their faces off.

ADVANTAGE: Wisconsin Badgers

3 – BYU Cougars vs. 11 – Gonzaga Bulldogs

I'm just really sick of bulldogs.


10 – Michigan State Spartans vs. 15 – UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

Once again, you might be inclined to choose an Ancient Greek Killing Machine over an inanimate object, but you'd be surprised at what a man-purse is capable of when it has nothing to lose.

Also, I think I've been claiming that "Gaucho" is the Spanish word for "man-purse" simply because it rhymes with "pouch-o", and everyone knows that Spanish is formed by adding an "o" to English words.

ADVANTAGE: UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

– – – – –

Sweet 16

1 – Pitt Panthers vs. 4 – Wisconsin Badgers

I don't know why a panther and a badger would fight to the death, but I think it would get a lot of hits on YouTube if you set it to some cool music, maybe
like some high-tempo death metal with some sweet bass … Sorry, I got
lost there for a second. Uh …

ADVANTAGE: Wisconsin Badgers. Sure. Why not?

3 – BYU Cougars vs. 15 – UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

Let's be honest here, I've maxed out all my Gaucho jokes, so we'll go with the Stormin' Mormons.


– – – – –

Elite Eight

3 – BYU Cougars vs. 4 – Wisconsin Badgers

While cougars are known to have an excellent adjusted offensive efficiency, I think this fight is going to come down to offensive rebounds. It's pretty common knowledge that badgers are sick on the boards.

ADVANTAGE: Wisconsin Badgers advance to the Final Four

… Read on for the Southwest Region …