Transcript: President Obama and Other World Leaders Make Their NCAA Tournament Picks


Scene: The White House. All of the top world leaders are present.

[[[chat]]]President Obama: Thank you all for coming. I know most of you don't enjoy the NCAA Tournament as much as I do, but I participated in your World Cup fantasy league so it's only fair that you do this.

Pres. Medvedev: Oh, I follow American college basketball. I enjoy seeing how crappy your brother-in-law's Oregon State team is.

Everyone laughs.

President Obama: Shut up, Dmitry.

Pres. Medvedev: They lost to Utah Valley!

President Obama: I know. Shut up.

Pres. Medvedev: And Seattle. And Texas Southern. And Montana!

Everyone laughs again.

President Obama: I know. I know. Enough. Let's get started. I have Kansas, Duke, Ohio State and Pitt all going to the Final Four with Kansas beating Ohio State in the title game. Mahmoud, who do you have?

Ahmadinejad: I didn't make any picks.

President Obama: Why?

Ahmadinejad: Because if you look at the bracket, it clearly spells out "ZION."

President Obama: That's insane.

Ahmadinejad: Maybe. Maybe. But saying it felt right.

President Obama: Well, if you don't fill out a bracket you're not in the pool.

Ahmadinejad: I understand. I'm out. Death to Israel!

President Obama: Silvio? Your picks?

Berlusconi: I have San Diego State, Georgia, BYU and Morehead State in the Final Four.

President Obama: Wow. Some upsets there.

Berlusconi: Yes, yes. But I have also been watching some basketball and I thought the cheerleaders of these teams all have very nice tits. Very nice. Very full. Great for, you know, the motorboating. Plus … Morehead State, am I right? If this was a real American state, I would move there from Italy right away. But I pick BYU for the championship because the BYU girls I like the most of all. They have never had, how you say … sex in their vaginas. I like the tight vagina very much!

Everyone nods and grunts approval, except German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

President Obama: Oh, my. Let's move on. Kim Jong-il?

Jong-il: My Final Four is a toaster, Optimus Prime, the color orange and the North Korean soccer team.

President Obama: So same as last year?

Jong-il: Yes. Same as last year.

President Obama: Angela?

Angela Merkel: I have Dirk Nowitzki winning it all.

President Obama: He's not in the tournament. He plays in the NBA. Plus, he's probably never going to win anything.

Angela Merkel: Then I also don't have a bracket.

President Obama: Okay, Canadian guy. You're up.

Stephen Harper: [Everyone talks over his picks.]

President Obama: David Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

David Cameron: I'm not going to fill one out, if that's okay. We British don't do too well in contests related to athletics.

President Obama: No you don't. Understood. President Medvedev?

Pres. Medvedev: Vladimir Putin never got around to telling me who to pick, so I'm just going to go with not-Oregon-State.

President Obama: I hate you. Okay, and last but not least, Hu Jintao, president of China.

Hu Jintao: Just leave my bracket blank and then fill it in with all of the correct picks at the end of the tournament.

President Obama: But that is cheating. That wouldn't count.

Hu Jintao: All of your countries owe my country trillions of dollars. You can start paying me back with the $300 from this tournament pool.

President Obama: That … umm … actually seems quite fair. You're the winner! Congratulations!

Berlusconi: Okay, are we done?

President Obama: I guess so. Thank you all for coming.

Berlusconi: Now point me in the direction of this Sarah Palin. I'd like to have a summit with her, if you know what I mean.

President Obama: I do, Silvio.

Berlusconi: I mean I'd like to get on top of her and make the sex.

President Obama: Yes. That's what I thought you meant originally.

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