Transcript: Inside the "NAPA Know How" Ad Pitch Meeting

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*Scene:* A boardroom at NAPA headquarters in Heartlandtown, USA. NAPA executives are gathered on one side of a long table. Representatives from an advertising agency are at the other.

[[[chat]]]
NAPA CEO: I appreciate you coming all the way out here. We've never had a big city advertising agency, but we think it's time we do a campaign that gets us noticed.

Ad Exec: Glad to hear it. We think we've got just the campaign for you. In fact, we're so confident that we have already gone ahead and shot the entire commercial.

The Ad Exec dims the boardroom lights and plays the "NAPA Know How" ad on a large, flatscreen television. Once the 30-second spot ends, the Ad Exec turns the lights back on.

Ad Exec: Well, what did you think?

NAPA CEO: I … I don't even know what to say. No, I do: I hated every second of it. I want to take one of those pistons he was holding and shove it directly into my ears, rupturing my eardrums and then continue pushing it all the way into my brain to destroy the memory I have of watching it.

Ad Exec: Perfect! That is exactly what we were going for!

NAPA CEO: What are you talking about? How much could any person stand watching that?

Ad Exec: We're thinking about three times per commercial break during every game of the NCAA Tournament!

NAPA CEO: No way. That's just insane. You do that and you'll have thousands of enraged people all over the country flooding NAPA stores to murder the guy working behind the counter.

Ad Exec: Exactly.

NAPA CEO: Exactly what? How does the savage beating and death of my counter workers help this company?

Ad Exec: Well, for one, in this economy every company could lay workers off. But now you won't have to do that dirty business because your counter guys will be dying-off like flies. That's millions in payroll savings.

NAPA CEO: Okay, sure. But I'm not doing an ad campaign for the sole purpose of getting my employees murdered.

Ad Exec: Of course not! You're doing it to sell NAPA products!

NAPA CEO: Yes. 100-percent. And how exactly does that ad sell NAPA products?

Ad Exec: Well, what does a person do after he or she murders someone?

NAPA CEO: I don't know. Try to get away, I guess?

Ad Exec: Yes. In a getaway car. And do you want your getaway car to break down? Do you want it to have the cold or flu? No! You know what to do!

NAPA CEO: Dear God. Please don't quote lyrics from that song. I want it out of my head.

Ad Exec: See, it's memorable isn't it? But let's get back to my point: you're going to have floods of people coming into your stores all across the country to murder your employees … and then … after the murder takes place … they'll buy NAPA products to help their getaway cars run pure! Post-murder is the time you want your car to run well most of all! It's a guaranteed sale! You'll just need to train your sales staff a bit on how to get the murderers to buy things instead of just stealing them. Also, you'll have to train them to hold off mourning their co-worker at the counter until the sale is complete.

NAPA CEO: So you're telling me this ad campaign is designed to sell NAPA products to murderers on the lam.

Ad Exec: Yes. Thousands of murderers. And, don't forget: you'll also trim all of your counter personnel who gets murdered. You're looking at millions in savings and tens of millions in sales. No other ad agency offers this two-pronged approach!

NAPA CEO: Get out.

Ad Exec: What?

NAPA CEO: Get out. Leave. This is the worst, most annoying ad I have ever seen, with by far the worst rationale behind it in the history of business.

Ad Exec: We're not leaving.

The Ad Exec signals some of his associates to block the door.

Ad Exec: Look, we're getting this account. We already paid $50,000 to produce that ad out of our own money. Annoying, pie-faced actors are not cheap, you know. So sign the contract now or things will get ugly.

NAPA CEO: What are you going to do? Try to hurt us? We'll fight back. You're just spindly advertising people from the city. We'd kick your ass. There's nothing you could do to make us hire you. Nothing.

The Ad Exec presses play on the DVD player again and turns the volume all the way up. The NAPA commercial begins again … "Give it six of these! And wash it down with this …"

NAPA CEO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Make it stop! You win! You win! Please just make it stop! The contract is yours.

[[[/chat]]]


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