NFL Players Open to Playing 2011 Season With Replacement Owners

The NFL Players Association announced today that if a resolution on a new collective bargaining agreement is not reached soon, the players may take steps towards playing the 2011 season with replacement owners.

"There are a lot of old, rich, white men out there who would happily step in and serve as an owner for a few months or however long they're needed," said NFLPA chief DeMaurice Smith. "Replacement owners might not be able to be greedy and sit there in a luxury box watching the players play football at the same level as the current owners, but I'm sure the fans wouldn't notice much of a difference in the on-field product they tune in every week to see."

The announcement has caused panic among current NFL ownership, who had never considered that the players could use replacement owners, just as the owners used replacement players during the 1987 labor impasse. The NFLPA's proposal has received strong public support.

"Oh, crap," said Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. "Sometimes we owners forget that absolutely no one comes to a stadium or turns on a game to watch us own. We might be screwed here. This new NFLPA guy isn't nearly as incompetent as past ones they've had."

As current NFL owners scramble to come up with an idea that can turn the bargaining power back in their favor, replacement owners have already started trying out.

"We've got a lot of great candidates," said the NFLPA's Smith. "There are so many old, rich, white men in this country that we're going to be able to choose the best of the best. We're open to anyone who is qualified short of Mark Cuban. He's too annoying even for a short-term replacement owner."

Smith asked that anyone who is interested in being a replacement owner to please contact the NFLPA through the organization's website.

"Candidates who will receive the most consideration will be very, very rich and demonstrate an ability to watch football while wearing an expensive suit and sitting in a luxury box surrounded by their rich friends," he said. "But anything beyond that and you're probably over-qualified."