A jury today failed to convict former baseball slugger Barry Bonds on four counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice, but the all-time home runs leader was found guilty on a single count of having small testicles.
"You always hope for a full conviction on every charge," said federal prosecutor Jeff Nedrow. "But we did get him on the one that is by far the most embarrassing and the one people will talk about."
For having shrunken testicles, Bonds will receive the federally suggested jail time of zero days in jail. The judge did, however, suggest that everyone make fun of Bonds and point and laugh at him when they see him in the street.
"It is the opinion of this court," said judge Susan Illston, "that anyone who sees Mr. Bonds from this day forward should say stuff like: 'Ha-ha! You have small balls!' And: 'Hey, Mr. Tiny Balls!' And … well, various iterations of those. Coming up with taunts about small testicles is not really my strength. Basically, just make fun of him for having iddy bitty testicles, okay?"
Bonds' conviction on the count of having shrunken testicles hinged on the testimony of his former girlfriend, Kimberly Bell, who told the jury that "he had shrunken testicles." The courtroom immediately erupted into giggling while Bonds put his head in his hands, a clear sign that a serious blow had been struck.
Allen Ruby, Bonds' lead attorney, said the conviction will immediately be appealed.
"Barry was clear from Day 1: under no circumstances would he accept being thought of as in possession of small testicles," said Ruby. "No man wants to bear that cross. Barry just wants the public to know his testicles are not only not small, but larger than normal. In fact I have a statement from him here: 'Please believe me. My testicles are really big! Honest!'"
Ruby says Bonds is open to pleading guilty to perjury and obstruction of justice, and accepting the resulting extended jail time, in order to have the small testicle conviction thrown out.