Dez Bryant Vows to Embarrass the NFL Each Day the Lockout Continues

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Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant continued his brave, principled show of defiance against the NFL today with yet another demonstration of jackassery. On the heels of being thrown out of a Dallas-area mall, again, Bryant has been sued by a New York jewelry company for an unpaid tab of $246,000.

"It is my solemn vow that for each day the NFL owners unjustly prevent us from doing our jobs and making a living to support our families," said Bryant, "one incredibly embarrassing story about me will come out. Only NFL owners, along with enhanced mall security, can put a stop to this."

Bryant says he sees himself "a modern day, douchier, Gandhi."

"I took a history class at Oklahoma State," he said. "I forget all the details, but I think Gandhi dressed in a robe and wore funny glasses until the king would stop taking his food or something. I don't remember exactly. Although I do remember I got an A in the class. Good school, Oklahoma State."

The second-year receiver says he has many embarrassing activities already planned.

"Tomorrow I'm going to get in a fight at the mall arcade when they tell me I don't have enough tickets to get a stuffed panda bear at the prize counter," he said. "And the next day I'm going to crash my Big Wheel into a police cruiser. The next day? Let me just say that it involves a turd and the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese."

NFLPA director DeMaurice Smith says Bryant's actions are not endorsed by the players union.

"I just want to make it clear that we have nothing to do with this," said Smith. "He is acting of his own accord. We are of the opinion that he is embarrassing NFL players more than the NFL. And I expressed that opinion to him, but he refused to take his iPod ear buds out when I was talking to him."

Bryant's strategy is similar to that of Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson on the other side, who vows he will continue to be a dick until the owners get 99-percent of the league's revenues.


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