BCS Conferences, Players Quietly Negotiating New Collective Bargaining Agreement

College football's top conferences and their players are meeting again today in New York in hopes of reaching an agreement on a new collective bargaining agreement. The biggest issue on the table remains on how to split revenue among the parties and the players' demand that the minimum salary be increased from $105,000.

The NCAA claims no knowledge of the negotiations.

"What? Ha! No, that's crazy talk," said NCAA president Mark Emmert, emerging after speaking to the negotiating parties behind closed doors — which he insisted he did not just do. "College football remains completely on the up and up! I just wish they'd wrap up whatever it is they're doing in there because it's starting to get attention."

Emmert then stuck his head back inside the room and was heard loudly whispering: "Fellas! There's media here! They might be on to us. Go out the back door and pick up negotiations at a restaurant or something!"

A collective bargaining agreement between the top college conferences and the players — and enforced by the NCAA — has secretly been in place for 25 years. It structures player payments, as well as gifts of jewelry, cars and electronics. The last CBA expired following the BCS title game and the parties have been negotiating since then. There is some signs of growing weakness among the players, who haven't been paid in weeks.

"I've got video games to buy, friends to feed with pizza," said one player who wished to remain anonymous. "I guess I could sell some space on my body for a tattoo endorsement, but I'm running out of empty areas."

If the two sides don't come to an agreement soon, the 2011 season is in jeopardy.

"We obviously don't want that to happen," said SEC commissioner Mike Slive. "Because that would probably blow our cover with the general public. Many of the dolts throughout the American general public still believe this is amateur athletics."

The BCS conferences also invited representatives of the Mountain West and WAC conferences, but told them the meetings were in a different city on a different date.

"Ha! Idiots. Suck it," said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany.