Transcript from the Phillies’ Starting Rotation Introductory Press Conference


Scene: The press room at the Phillies spring training facility.

[[[chat]]]PR Director: Thanks to everyone for coming. Let's get started. I'd like to introduce you to our 2010 starting rotation — the Four Aces! — Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels!

Everyone applauds.

PR Director: Also, Joe Blanton is here.

Everyone points and laughs.

PR Director: Okay, let's open it up for questions.

Reporter 1: Joe, what's it like to be terrible?

Joe Blanton: Well, I wouldn't say I'm terrible. I mean, I've-

Everyone laughs over top of what he is saying for 30 seconds.

Joe Blanton: … and that's why I think I can really help this team.

Reporter 2: Cliff, I didn't catch most of what Joe was saying while he was pretending not to be terrible. So can you tell us, in your own words, how bad Joe Blanton really is?

Cliff Lee: Sure. Okay, so you know how the other four guys up here — me, the two Roy's and Cole — can throw a baseball very fast and with movement and to specific locations around the plate?

Reporter 2: Yes.

Cliff Lee: Well, Joe can't do any that.

Reporter 2: Ha! What an idiot.

Cliff Lee: I know. A big, fat, terrible idiot.

Everyone laughs.

Joe Blanton: Hey. Come on, guys. Give me a-

Reporter 3: Roy Halladay, are you guys at all concerned that Joe Blanton's terribleness could rub off on you?

Roy Halladay: That's a good question. And a real concern. But trust me, we've addressed it. We don't want to be made terrible by Joe Blanton more than anyone. So we don't spend any time with him. It's partly by design and partly because great pitchers and terrible pitchers don't run in the same circles. We spend most of our days accepting awards or being interviewed on national TV and radio shows or signing our autographs at card shows. Guys like him spend their days … well, I don't know how he spends his days. And I don't want to know.

Joe Blanton: Come on, guys. This is-

Cole Hamels: Today is actually the first time I've ever met Joe Blanton. I assume he's the fat, terrible one down there sitting between Cliff and Roy, right?

Joe Blanton: We've been on the same team for three years, Cole!

Cole Hamels: I don't know about that, chubs. I've played for a good team the last three years. I doubt you would be on a good team, because you're terrible.

Joe Blanton: (weeping) Why are you guys doing this to me?

Roy Oswalt: To you? Why are we doing this to you?! Are you kidding me? Why are you doing this to us? We could go down as the greatest starting rotation of all-time. Unfortunately, a starting rotation is composed of five pitchers and our fifth pitcher — you — is a giant turd.

Joe Blanton: (wiping away the tears) That's it. I'll show you guys. I'll show EVERYONE! I'm going to have the best year out of all five of us. That's right. The BEST! Now, I'm done with the press conference. I'm pissed. And it's time to get to work on the mound!

He storms off toward the field.[[[/chat]]]