The 10 People At Your Super Bowl Party


1. The Rooting Interest Fan

He is a diehard of one of the teams in the game and will be rooting with everything he's got. This is one of the biggest nights of his sports fandom life and he's taking it seriously.

Then, during the kickoff, someone will walk in front of the television and he'll suddenly realize he's made a grave mistake: "Oh, no. I'm surrounded by morons. This is the last place I should be watching this game."

If he lives close enough, he'll make a break for it at halftime and try to get home before the start of the third quarter to watch it on his own TV. If not, you'll find him in an upstairs bedroom, huddled close to the television. So no one walk in front of it. And because it's only a 13-inch TV and he can barely see what's happening. Should have sold that kidney for game ticket money, guy.

2. The Bitter Fan

He doesn't have a rooting interest in the game because his team didn't make it, but he is a football fan and wants to watch as much of the game as he can — but he plans to be quite bitter about it. His goal is to ruin the viewing experience for the fans of the Super Bowl teams.

He will loudly say things like: "They lost to the Rams this year; they're not that good," and "At least my team's quarterback isn't a pussy," just to try to piss them off. He will ultimately fail, just like his crap team.

3. The Non-Fan Who Thinks He Is

This guy claims to be be a football fan, but he couldn't sound like a bigger idiot about the game or the sport. It's questionable if he's seen a minute of football since the last Super Bowl party. You can count on him to say things like: "They should roll their quarterback out and throw deep because that works for me on Madden" and "PASS INTERFERENCE!" on, oh, every passing play and, without fail, he'll say the score backwards.

He will be one of the most annoying people at the party, yet he will be invited by every real fan at the party to join their fantasy football league next season.

4. The Unabashed Non-Fan

This person won't try to hide the fact that they know nothing about football. Which is fine … as long as they don't walk in front of the TV or try to take a crash course on the sport during the game. No one wants to hear questions like: "Now the downs, you have to go how far in four of them?" Or: "What does the two-minute warning mean?" Or: "Why is that guy in the corner giving me the finger?"

5. The Kid

Who brought a kid along? It's an event centered on football, beer and gambling and there's a kid here? Sorry, kid, no one is going to class it up just because your parents were too cheap to get a babysitter. Tonight's the night you learn what a "stupid motherf—ker" is and why it's best applied to the offensive coordinator who just called that stupid reverse.

6. The Single

They showed up to watch the game, but they're secretly hoping they might meet someone at the party. Because if you're going to find your soul mate, it doesn't get more romantic than the backdrop of crude commercials, cheap beer, fat linemen, cramped seating, an aging halftime performer and pepperoni pizza.

7. The Amateur Ad Exec

After every ad airs, this guest will opine on whether it was entertaining and funny. This person will be neither entertaining nor funny.

8. The Gourmet Appetizer Chef

They slaved over their four-layer dip and are clearly hovering near the appetizer table to receive compliments and graciously give out the recipe. And, to be honest, they've made a pretty decent dip. It's at least good enough to hold you over until the Domino's arrives.

9. The Beer Guy

He thought he'd be a good pal and help out the host by bringing some beer. But the only reason he's being so generous is because he's trying to unload some crap beer he has at home. And now the host is pissed because everyone at the party thinks the host is responsible for this Keystone and Bud Light Lime swill clogging up the front of the refrigerator.

Beer Guy is also the party attendee who will take a smelly dump in the first-floor bathroom.

10. The Pizza Guy

Seriously, guy. Where have you been? There are three minutes left in the game and we ordered the pizzas right after kickoff.

Hey! Everybody! The pizza guy is here! Who has money?! I don't care if the game is almost over! You said you wanted pizza and I'm not paying for the whole thing!

Okay, kid. Here you go. Yeah, we don't have enough to cover the whole cost. Can I interest you in some crap beer to make up the difference?