The 10 Kids On Your Youth Basketball Team

The Coach’s Kid was the team’s starting point guard. Even if he didn’t deserve to be. But his father needed someone who could be his eyes and ears on the floor, GODAMMIT!

While many of the players on the team were jealous of The Coach’s Kid, mainly because they heard their parents say it was “all politics,” it wasn’t really the kid’s fault. He was just obeying his dad. And his coach. And it’s not like he had it easy. That fastbreak turnover in the season opener against Johnson Bros. Tires? He didn’t get an allowance because of that for a year!

The Team Sponsor’s Kid was essentially a combination of The Gunner and The Coach’s Kid. Only he never got yelled at. And he was never pulled from the game. Ever. Whatever he did on the court or in practice was fine. Because his old man was financing the entire team. It wasn’t easy finding someone to pick up that $243 team sponsorship fee.

The Cryer was the same kid who was The Cryer on your Little League team. Only now, instead of crying about striking out or making an error, he cried about getting fouled. Or not getting fouled. Or losing. Or pretty much anything that happened in the course of the game.

Yes, he was a multi-sport, crying athlete. The pansy Bo Jackson.

If you were on a primarily white team and The Different Race Kid was black, on that first day of practice you assumed he was the best player on the team. If you were on a primarily black team and the The Different Race Kid was white, you assumed he was slow but probably had a decent shot. And if you were on any team and The Different Race Kid was Asian or Indian, you assumed he was terrible or possibly the team’s statistician.

Yes, it was at your first biddy basketball practice, age 8, that you realized you had already learned to stereotype the entire world. Good job, society!

The Worst Player Ever was the worst player ever. He was so bad that he went the whole season without scoring a single point. So the entire last game your coach had the team run the offense through him, trying to get him that elusive basket.

And, finally, with the other team taking pity on him, he scored an unguarded layup in the final minute (after missing it three times first). That lucky The Worst Player Ever. If the team had only run the offense through you like that for one game, you easily could have scored 8 or 9 points, paving the way for a multi-million dollar NBA career. IT’S ALL POLITICS!