The NFL upped its offer again today to the 1,200 fans who were not allowed to sit in the seats they paid for at Super Bowl XLV. After initially refunding the cost of the ticket four times over, the NFL offered all-expenses paid to any future Super Bowl of the fans' choosing. But that still didn't prevent a lawsuit against the NFL, the Dallas Cowboys and Jerry Jones.
Now the NFL is offering those fans oral in hopes that will end the lawsuit and the growing PR nightmare for the league.
"We will do anything to show the fans we are sorry," said commissioner Roger Goodell, reading from a statement at a press conference, in which he never looked directly at the camera or made eye contact with any members of the assembled press corps. "Really. Anything. I think this latest offer shows that," he added, tears noticeably welling up in his eyes. "Please. Let's just get this over with as quickly as possible."
The commissioner insisted that he would not be repaying all of the fans himself, as the offer allows the affected fans to choose any of the league's executives. That provision has reportedly caused several NFL executives to resign.
One Steelers fan who is part of the lawsuit against the league and the Cowboys says he is seriously considering the offer.
"I never expected anything like this," said the fan, who asked to remain anonymous because he is married. "It might be enough for me to accept their offer. I have to look at the pictures of all the NFL executives first."
Another fan, a Packers fan, said the offer is still not enough.
"I appreciate the blow job offer. It's what my wife does whenever she feels bad about something every year or so," he said. "But I'd actually be more interested in regular sex. I've never been with a red head before."