Charlie Sheen Visits Yankees Practice, Receives Yankees Pitching Contract

Actor Charlie Sheen stopped by the New York Yankees spring training facility this morning to watch batting practice, shake some hands and take pictures.

Before leaving Sheen also played catch and was immediately offered a guaranteed, major league contract by Yankees general manager Brian Cashman when his fastball touched 70 mph.

"No way I was going to let that kind of arm leave here without putting on the pinstripes," said Cashman at a press conference announcing Sheen's signing of a 4-year, $78 million contract. "Pitching was our biggest deficiency, but I think Charlie steps right in as our No. 3 starter."

Sheen was a star pitcher for Santa Monica High School in the early '80s, but gave up a potential baseball career to pursue acting. He showed off his throwing arm in the 1989 movie Major League. Now 45 years-old and addicted to drugs, alcohol and prostitutes, Sheen's physical health was the envy of Yankee pitchers CC Sabathia, Joba Chamberlain and Bartolo Colon.

"Wow. I would do anything to be in as good of shape as that guy," said Sabathia, the team's 290-pound ace. "Well, anything short of diet and exercise."

While the actor's physical fitness wowed some pitchers, as well as outfielder Andruw Jones, it was his stuff that caught the attention of Yankees starter A.J. Burnett.

"He was bringing pure gas," said Burnett. "I bet he can hit 72 or 73 mph if he really lets loose. And his curve was moving two inches. Man, what I could do with that kind of stuff. Must be nice."

Sheen's Yankees contract has yet to be finalized pending review by the league office, as the actor has asked the $78 million be paid out in the equivalent value of cocaine and whores.

"It's basically the same deal Jason Giambi had when he was here," said Sheen. "Except instead of the steroids, I'll take coke. Wonderful, magical coke."