Auburn Fan Poisoned by Lethal Doses of Salt and Saturated Fats

A lifelong Auburn Tigers fan reportedly has just months to live due to what could only be considered intentional poisoning via years of ingesting cheap and unhealthy fast food, which is full of known toxins.

The fan, Ricky Joe Stutman, age 36, has been a regular attendee at Auburn sporting events since the mid-1980s. He is noted for his large, 5-foot-9, 423-pound frame. He also frequently has toilet paper stuck to him when he comes out of the bathroom.

The poisoning of Stutman first became an issue in late January when he called into the Paul Finebaum radio show while also ordering several bacon cheeseburgers in the Wendy's drive-thru line. Concerned Auburn officials later tested Stutman at the campus health center and found that his blood pressure and cholesterol were extremely elevated and that he could "have a heart attack at, like, any moment."

School officials are doing anything they can to save Stutman, but the doses of saturated fats and salt, as well as sugar from near-constant drinking of Mountain Dew, is thought to be too much to overcome.

The poisoning of one of their most massively recognizable fans has caused many Auburn fans to point the finger at fans of rival Alabama for doing this to Stutman, as half of the state's fast food workers are Alabama supporters. But investigators are so far not blaming at Alabama fans, as thousands of them appear to have been poisoned, too.