"Unbreakable" — by Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian
"There's something sexy about a couple sharing a scent," says Khloe Kardashian in the opening of the TV ad for Eau de Khlomar. "Soft, yet powerful. Strong, yet sensual." (Also: stanky, yet crusty. No one wants to bottle the "scent" that comes from "sexy." It's one of the main reasons we wash our sheets.)
Continues Odom: "That perfect mix of masculine and feminine."
WHAT?! Ohmigod. Odom doesn't know he's married to a dude. So that's why this is marketed as a "unisex" scent. It was a mystery before.
Roger Federer Cologne
In 2003, the tennis champion launched RF Cosmetics, including a Roger Federer Cologne. No doubt the scent captured the boring essence of Federer, with hints of tap water, air, Saltines and dust, more air, lint and maybe just a touch of vanilla.
Today the Federer cologne is no longer sold. Shocking. But at least his cologne was better than the one conceived by Andre Agassi back in the '90s, which he wanted to smell like a meth lab and sweaty wigs. Or Pete Sampras' signature scent: "Body Hair."
"Intimately Yours" — by David Beckham
Here is how Beckham's fragrance is described in the product promotional materials:
Stimulating top notes of blood mandarin, iced lemon and crushed leaf, into a heart of sage, fused with lavender and basil. A seductive and inviting dry-down of warm sandalwood, tonka beans and vetiver.
So exactly the way his working class, East End London neighborhood smelled when he was growing up. REPRESENT!
But the best part of Beckham's cologne is that it actually smells like him — does that guy not exude tonka beans and vetiver or what? He's soooo vetiver — so he can just spray some of his cologne on the L.A. Galaxy's home field and then go off to Europe and play and it's sort of like he's still honoring his Galaxy contract. And his scent is just as effective on the field! Yay!
By the way, his wife, Victoria Beckham, also has an "Intimately Yours" perfume. Her scent is described this way:
Top notes of delicate freesia and luminous bergamot leading to a tender heart of orange blossom, delicious frangipani flower and bold white lily. Deepens to a sensuous sophisticated orris, warm sandalwood and elegant vetiver.
All that, of course, is just a long way to say: "She smells like plastic."
"Driven" — by Derek Jeter
Here we have yet another example of something Derek Jeter gets away with that Alex Rodriguez never could. If A-Rod released a scent, he would be mocked mercilessly. But somehow Jeter's "Eau" is accepted as eau de macho by the Yankee faithful. I guess not being a massive douche builds you some capital.
But perhaps Yankees fans should be more cautious of wearing "Driven." The scent is described as "a mysterious blend of exotic saffron, blood orange and precious woods." Mysterious? Derek Jeter's cologne is totally steroids.
No matter. Yankees fans probably aren't using Derek Jeter's cologne for the scent or for performance-enhancing. They're using it as lube to masturbate to Derek Jeter.
"Turn 4XT" — by Carl Edwards
If you don't follow NASCAR closely, Carl Edwards is the driver known for doing flips off the roof of his car. He is now also the first NASCAR driver trying to sell cologne.
It will be a hard sell.
Because not only is Edwards the first NASCAR driver with a scent, he's also the first NASCAR driver or fan to even wear cologne. And this "4XT" business looks suspiciously like a math equation. Who does this Edwards think he is with his smelling good and his arithmetic?
Dale Earnhardt, Sr. never would have had a cologne. He's a real man. And you don't need cologne when you have a mustache. Mustaches are there to block your body odor from reaching your nostrils.
Michael Jordan Cologne
Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all-time. He was an icon. A trendsetter. He popularized baggy basketball shorts and the shaved head. In 1996 he also was the first athlete to release a signature scent. No one is perfect.
The mid-'90s were the time Jordan was lending his name to anything and everything. McDonald's, Gatorade, Ballpark Franks, even a Michael Jordan bowling ball. And Jordan didn't even bowl.
So while the Jordan spray cologne is supposed to smell like "cedar, sandalwood, green tea and leather," to Jordan it really smells like: "more money."
Gheorghe Muresan Cologne
Muresan, the 7-foot-7 Romanian giant for the Washington Bullets, did not really have a cabbage-scented cologne. It was a joke for a 1997 Snickers commercial. Surely we'll find out soon that the perfume of cabbage-scented giant Khloe Kardashian is also a joke.