NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the Black Eyed Peas have been bumped from the Super Bowl halftime show in favor of emo band My Chemical Romance.
"Emo is just more where I'm at in my musical evolution right now," said the commissioner at a press conference, slumped in a chair behind a microphone and sporting a new black hairdo and what appeared to be black eyeliner. "I guess with this labor deal coming up and all the criticism thrown my way I'm getting more in touch with my emotions. And there is sadness there. There is angst."
Goodell said he simply could not stand by and let the Black Eyed Peas play his league's premier event.
"It's corporate sh-t music," said the commissioner. "I see that now. I used to be into all of that Top 40 crap, but my eyes have been opened. I'm finally seeing the world the way it is. And it's so f—ked."
The commissioner was first introduced to emo music last weekend by his 15 year-old niece, Shelley Goodell, at a family gathering. Since then he has completely changed his look, his circle of friends and has covered the walls of his Manhattan office with band posters.
Shelley Goodell said the commissioner has always been her "lamest" uncle and that she initially thought it was "kind of cool" when he liked the music she was listening to. But then, says Shelley, "he showed up at the mall on Friday night dressed all weird and wanting to hang out with me and my friends. It was creepy. He wouldn't go away. So when he was in the dressing room at Hot Topic trying stuff on, we left and ditched him."
Goodell says My Chemical Romance will perform the songs "Welcome to the Black Parade," "Ghost Of You," and "Famous Last Words" because other league executives have insisted the mood of the Super Bowl remain celebratory and Goodell chose those three songs as the band's "happiest."
"I am content being alone in my sadness," said the commissioner. "Always and forever, until death."