Coaching Carousel Malfunction Kills 5 Fat Men

A mechanical malfunction on Disney World's famed Coaching Carousel this afternoon caused the ride to come to a sudden stop, throwing several older, overweight, white men from the carousel to their death.

"It's a horrible scene," said a witness. "There's blood and mustache fragments everywhere."

The Coaching Carousel was just about to reach its top speed, as it does at the end of every football season, when the gears suddenly caught and the ride lurched to an abrupt stop. Investigators believe one of the coaches on the ride accidentally dropped an old, outdated playbook into the gears. Although there are reports that a young assistant was seen running from the carousel's controls station after the accident.

Recovery personnel are still sifting through the piles of limbs, khaki, wind breaker material and cured meats, but five coaches are confirmed dead and its believed several more will not survive their injuries.

Several NFL owners say they will honor those who passed away in the Coaching Carousel accident by hiring the survivors.

"You know who would make a great coach in Cincinnati?" said Bengals owner Mike Brown. "Eric Mangini. Or Norv Turner if he becomes available. That guy is ready to break through, I know it."