Thanks to back-to-back national championships from the two premier college football programs in the state — Alabama and Auburn — the citizens of the state of Alabama are feeling quite pleased with their position in the world, despite the fact that — football aside — they essentially live in a third world country.
"I am so proud of our state's football teams and overjoyed at their success," said Alabama Governor Bob Riley. "It really takes the pressure off of me, too. This will keep the citizens happy for a while and maybe in that time I can create one thing that makes this state livable other than college football."
With the Auburn players returning to Alabama from the BCS title game in Glendale, Arizona, a parade is set to be held in the town of Auburn for the victors. More than 4 million of the state's 4.7 million people are expected to attend.
"I ain't got sh-t else to do no how," said nearby resident Skeech Chacon who, like 85-percent of the state, is unemployed. "I'm a Bama fan, not Auburn. But I'm goin' anyways. I like seeing people out and about. It reminds me the world ain't ended yet, even if most days it do seem that way."
The confetti for the ticker tape parade will be ripped up pieces of the fast food wrappers strewn about the state, while the team will ride along on a parade float that will actually be the body of Alabama's fattest woman — Ella May Jones — laid atop a flat bed truck.
"The parade is really going to celebrate all that is Alabama," said Gov. Riley.
"My God. I need another raise or I'm not going to be able to live here another minute," said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. "People wonder why I look miserable all the time. I think you can figure it out yourselves. You try to live here."
Despite being held in mid-January, the forecast calls for 137-percent humidity.
"It's going to be a good day," said Gov. Riley. "I'm excited. We're going to celebrate Auburn football, Alabama football and the fact that at least we don't have to live in Mississippi."