Chicago Bears: "Hest Is The Best"
Sample lyric: Hest is the best, meets the test, you know the man is blessed.
Poetic license is fine, but there are limits. You can't change the name of the person your song is dedicated to just to make it fit your chorus. And Devin Hester's nickname is not "Hest." Notice that in 1985 there was no "Payt Is So Great" song.
What this song says about the team: This isn't a tribute song for a quarterback or a defense or a star receiver. No, it's a song about a kick returner. When your most tribute-worthy player is a kick returner, that's how you become a home underdog in a conference championship game.
Performance notes: If you are a performer lauding someone's speed and athletic ability, you should try not to be so obese that you have to slump against a stage when you sing.
Green Bay Packers: "Aaron Rodgers Rock 'n' Roll"
Sample lyric: Who's that QB with that 1-2 punch? / Eats DBs with cheese for lunch. / Red zone time, them guys be flying. / Big butt men be doin' some cryin'.
Seriously, what is with you people and cheese? It's beyond disturbing. And I don't think anyone with a cheese-based diet should be mocking "big butt men."
What this song says about the team: Nothing really. But it doesn't help the image of Green Bay much. There's a good chance that Eddy J's performances are the peak of the town's entertaiment calendar.
Performance notes: The dance performed from 0:55 to 1:00 is one of the worst in world history. Second only to every performance of the Dougie.
Pittsburgh Steelers: "We've Got Roethlisberger (And It Sure Is Nice)"
Sample lyric: I like watching Antwaan Randle-El / Hines 86 and a Kendrell Bell/ big Marvel Smith and a Joey Porter / and a Flyin' Hawaiian Troy Polamalu.
This song was written in 2004, so that explains the Kendrell Bell and Joey Porter references. But, umm … even way back in 2004 Troy Polamalu wasn't Hawaiian. Although, sure. Whatever. Born in California, went to high school in Oregon, of Samoan decent. That's basically Hawaiian. Just like Hines Ward could be Chinese if you need a lyric to rhyme with "a block to the knees."
What this song says about the team: Offensive "weapons" referenced in this song: Duce Staley and Dan Kreider. Wow. Ben Roethlisberger might be the greatest quarterback ever.
Performance notes: Jimmy Buffett is bad enough. A Jimmy Buffett cover song makes me want to get a one-way ticket to Margaritaville to drink myself to death.
New York Jets: "Green And White"
Sample lyric: Grfjdsu eadfjls dfjaf mmmbule mmbgrffugmm.
Auto-tune is played out. The new thing is to mumble-tune.
What this song says about the team: The Jets, and their fans, are used to playing second fiddle. Why else make a bad knock-off of your opponent's song instead of coming up with one of your own? If the Jets make the Super Bowl, expect to hear a recording of either "Hest is the Best (Except for Brad Smith)" or "Aaron Rodgers Rock 'n' Roll: Mark Sanchez Edition."
Performance notes: Rapping with a severe head cold is never a good idea. It doesn't sound right. That's why Ol' Dirty Sinus Infection never hit it big.