#6 — Square dancing is the most perfectly named thing ever.
Middle school and high school is full of hormones. Everyone is boy and girl crazy. Enter gym class square dancing. So lame, so boring, so uncool that it actually made contact with the opposite sex completely undesirable. The first school administrator to conceive of implementing it into the gym class curriculum was a genius. Square dancing is the antidote to hormones. When you left gym class square dancing, you were asexual for the rest of the school day. And you learned more because of it. Our nation's top schools probably open the day with mandatory square dancing.
The following video contains 74 seconds of square dancing. Just 74. Try to watch it without falling asleep. You can't. Square dancing is just that square.
#7 — Girls get their periods once a month and/or every time there is a swimming unit in gym class.
Swimming during summer vacation was fun. In school during gym class? Not so much. The water was always freezing, your hair would be wet for your next class and everyone inevitably ended up getting sick.
Not the girls, though. Because they never participated. While the guys were in the pool, the bleachers were full of girls in their school clothes. Swimming this week? "Oh, jeez. No, I can't. I have my, you know … period."
And what gym teacher could argue with that? What were they going to say: "I'm sorry, but I need you to show me some evidence." That's just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
#8 — The United States supports torture.
In recent years there has been a national debate over things like "enhanced interrogation" and torture. That debate is a waste of time because the answer was decided long ago.
Ever since 1966, when the Presidential Fitness Test was created, the United States has supported torture from the highest office. If the Commander-In-Chief forcing children to do pushups and pull-ups at 8:00 a.m. on some random Tuesday in February in front of everyone they know isn't torture, then nothing is.
#9 — There can be too much of a good thing.
When you were a kid, the idea of growing up to be a gym teacher one day seemed pretty great. It's like recess all day, every day! YAY!
But when you're an adult, and have chosen gym instruction as your field of expertise, your life is full of hour after hour of mesh shorts, stupid, awkward kids and the stench of body odor. (Seriously, you're 15 now, kid. Time to use deodorant.)
It kind of sucks. Sure, you have all the fundamentals and skills of badminton down pat, so you can completely dominate at your family reunion every year — YES! — but that's probably not enough to balance out the despair that is the rest of your year.
#10 — 5 minutes of getting changed + 5 minutes of roll call + 34 minutes of standing around + 60 seconds of light activity = EXERCISE!
Softball day in gym class. You got to hit for a few seconds. And you sort of jogged after that fly-ball your friend hit. The rest of the time you stood in the outfield and tried not to panic about the chemistry exam you had next period.
It really is amazing so many kids in America are overweight, what with our strenuous gym class regimen.