10 Things We All Learned In Gym Class

#1 — Half of life is just showing up (and being dressed appropriately).

In every other school subject, you had to demonstrate specific skills and abilities to pass. You didn't get out of math without learning to add. You couldn't pass English if you couldn't read. No way you were getting a "C" in calculus if you couldn't … do whatever it is you do in calculus.

But for gym class you just had to show up, stand in line for roll call and be wearing a t-shirt, a pair of shorts and sneakers (sneakers that didn't have a black sole that would mark the floor!). If you had all that? Good for you, kid! You get an "A"!

#2 — Crab soccer is ideal for revenge.

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Crab soccer was awkward and fairly pointless. It's not like you could hone your crab soccer skills in gym class for a future lucrative career as a professional crab soccer player.

What crab soccer was good for, however, was paying back any classmate you had the slightest grudge against. All you had to do was crawl over near them and unleash a powerful kick in the general direction of the ball. "Whoops! I kicked you square in the teeth! My mistake!"

And no one could prove it wasn't a mistake. You didn't get detention; you didn't even get pulled from the game. I guess the only downside was having to wash all the blood off your shoes when you got home from school.

#3 — There are more important things than hygiene.

For the school administrators and gym teachers, the point of gym class was to teach students sports-related skills and the life-enriching value of exercise.

For the students? The point of gym class was getting out of there without having to take a shower in front of all of your classmates.

I mean, what if your body looked weird? What if you didn't have enough hair? Or — ohmigod — had TOO MUCH hair? Or maybe you were too small in some places and too big in others. And God knows you have strange nipples. Can't have everyone seeing that and mocking you forever.

No, it was better to be the kid with horrible body odor.

#4 – Hitting people in the face and crotch is awesome.

The best part of gym class, by far, was dodgeball. And the best part of dodgeball, also by far, was whenever someone got hit in the face or crotch. Really, that was the best part of school itself.

There were those who hated dodgeball because they were routinely hit in the crotch or face (the glasses'd especially hated dodgeball), but if they had the physical ability to whiz a kickball at their classmates' heads and privates at 60 mph, you know they would have done it, too. But they couldn't, so they were destroyed.

I bet if you asked the creators of YouTube how they thought of the idea, they'd say they thought of it in gym class and knew Americans would flock to a video service featuring people getting hit in the face and crotch. And now they're billionaires. Thanks, gym class!

#5 — How to hit the hell out of a tennis ball.

Tennis baseball. What a "sport." A pitcher tosses the ball in to you at the plate, and you swing as hard as you possibly can, launching the ball into the stratosphere for a home run. It was awesome.

Unfortunately, it also made us all suck at real tennis. As good as we were at tennis baseball, we're that bad at the actual sport of tennis; we just can't keep the ball on the court thanks to our huge, tennis baseball-produced swings. Although my opponent is quite impressed when the ball zips past his head and gets lodged in the chain link fence surrounding the court. I might lose 6-0, 6-0, but I think we all know who's stronger.


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