A Very Manning Family Christmas

Scene: The living room of the Manning Family home in New Orleans, Christmas morning. The Manning Family is gathered around the Christmas tree.

[[[chat]]]Eli: Gee, thanks for my Sponge Bob knapsack, Santa!

Archie: Okay, kid gift time is over. What did you get me?

(Peyton and Eli pick up a big box from under the tree and place it at their father's feet.)

Archie: Wow! It's huge!

Cooper: I chipped in for the paper and the bow.

Archie: Who are you again?

Cooper: Cooper. Your oldest.

Archie: My oldest what? Failure?

Cooper: No … son.

Archie: Shut up, failure.

Cooper: Yes, sir.

(Archie excitedly tears into the package and opens up the top of box. He pulls out a sweater.)

Archie: What the? What is this? A f—king sweater?

Peyton: Yeah, dad. We thought it would look good on you. You know, for TV. I got it at the best men's clothier in all of Indianapolis!

Archie: Indianapo-? … let me tell you little turds something. I don't even like football, okay? I played it for you. I went to college for you. I toiled for years for that piece of crap Saints franchise for you. I learned all about the game for you. So one day I could raise two sons, teach them everything about the game, and they could go on to become the two highest-paid players in the NFL. Why? So they would be super rich and I could get some kickass Christmas gifts.

Cooper: Umm … three sons, dad.

Olivia: Shut up, Cooper. Your ashamed father is talking.

Archie:I did everything for you guys. I even risked this moron's reputation out of college by forcing him to the New York market. (He gestures toward Eli, who has somehow zipped his head inside his Sponge Bob knapsack.) And all I wanted was some great, high-priced Christmas gifts out of it. That's all. That was my whole goal. I made you the two richest players in football. And I get a … a … sweater?

Peyton: Gee. Sorry, dad.

Eli: (muffled inside his knapsack)

Cooper: (weeping into his hands)

(There is a knock at the front door. Archie gets up and answers it and let's a delivery man inside.)

Delivery Man: Are you Archie Manning?

Archie: Yes, I am.

Delivery Man: I have a brand new Maybach for you out front. It's from Tom Brady.

Peyton: Dammit! Brady!

Archie: Tom Brady? What for?

Delivery Man: Well, it says here that he just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and thank you for all you have done for football.

Archie: Amazing. What a guy!

Delivery Man: Also, because Peyton and Eli haven't given you any grandchildren, he left one of his extra babies in the trunk.

Eli: Yes! A play friend![[[/chat]]]