#1 – Baseball
What you need: Roll of duct tape ($3).
How to make it: Form the tape into a ball.
Give the gift: Tell the recipient that it's a baseball.
They may say something like: "What? This is just a ball of duct tape."
To which you can then respond: "Ohhhhhh. I'm sorry. Some of the greatest baseballs players of all-time learned the game playing in the street with balls made of rags or tape. But I forgot: you're so much better than them! I'll run right out and get you a baseball that meets your needs. Do you want me to get one that has the seams stitched with gold thread? Will that suffice, fancy boy? Or does your personal coach supply all of your equipment?"
#2 – Twitter Account
What you need: Internet access ($0 if you're at a public library).
How to make it: Sign up for an account in the name of the gift recipient. Then "follow" all of his favorite athletes.
Give the gift: Write down the account name and password on a piece of scrap paper and hand it to them.
Then say: "Now you can know exactly when your favorite athlete is going to take a shower or what awful music they like! And then, when you start hating that athlete, you can follow a different favorite athlete!"
#3 – Plastic Collectible
What you need: A value meal at some local fast food drive-thru ($5.99).
How to make it: Drink the large soda and then rinse out the plastic cup that has some athlete or team logo on the side.
Give the gift: You don't even need to wrap this up. The design is so beautiful and classy that wrapping it is almost a sin. And remind the gift recipient that it is a collectible, not a piece of crap. None other than Burger King said it was a collectible, so if you doubt them, you're besmirching the credibility of the entire American fast food industry.
#4 – Thoroughbred Semen
What you need: Your hand and some old Tupperware from your kitchen ($0).
How to make it: Break into the stall of a champion thoroughbred and use your hand to make it ejaculate into your Tupperware container.
Give the gift: The semen of a champion thoroughbred is worth six-figures! Make sure you explain your gift is indeed thoroughbred semen as the gift recipient is opening it; you don't want them to think it's yours because they might get grossed out. We've all had that happen before at the holidays.
#5 – Intangibles
What you need: Absolutely nothing ($0). And maybe a box (re-use one that someone used to give you a gift).
How to make it: Put the absolutely nothing in the box.
Give the gift: If the person can't figure out what the gift is, they clearly needed it because someone who already has great intangibles would instantly recognize such a valuable gift. By the time they settle down and stop yelling things like "You cheap bastard!", they may start to realize you gave them the most valuable attribute in all of sports — even more valuable than a Tupperware container full of horse semen.