Make sure that you’re properly attired to stay warm and dry by picking up a pair of bibs. Remember, although you may be an adult, wearing bibs is still considered cool during the following activities: skiing, eating lobster, and being senile.
Yes, your clunky ski boots make it difficult to walk when you’re not on the slopes. Don’t complain too much, though. This is what every single day is like for Robocop, and you don’t hear him whining, do you?
You can slow yourself down by forming a wedge with your skis, and putting your skis parallel to each other will speed you up. You might remember these two positions as “pizza” and “French fries.” Of course, if you need junk food analogies to remember two simple positions, gravity will probably force your massive girth to hurtle downhill at breakneck speeds regardless of where you point your skis.
No one’s going to judge you if you feel more comfortable sticking to the bunny slopes. Really, there’s nothing at all comical about a grown man looking terrified as he gently coasts down a slight incline in the company of dozens of seven-year-olds, each of whom looks infinitely more coordinated and comfortable. Seriously, we’re not all laughing at you behind your back.
When you fall — and oh, how you will fall — you will need to take off your skis in order to stand back up. Attempt to reach back and release your boot from its binding using a hand or pole. If this fails, simply allow the blowing snow to drift over you and patiently wait for the embrace of death’s icy grip.
Oh, you want to cross-country ski? Why would anyone want to freeze his ass off for something he could accomplish just as well on a NordicTrack? Get lost, weirdo. Why don’t you go knit yourself a sweater with snowflakes on it?
If you’re a member of an aristocratic Massachusetts political dynasty, make sure you take a football on the slopes with you. Trust us, nothing bad could possibly happen.
If you see Shaun White, punch him in the face. This is sound advice for non-skiing contexts, too.
Should killjoys tell you that skiing has no cultural diversity, remind them that it’s a sport that’s enjoyed by affluent white people from literally all over the industrialized parts of the Western world.
When your day on the slopes is over, remember to never, ever remove your lift ticket from your jacket’s zipper. How else will people know to be super impressed that you went skiing?