The 15 Greatest Gym Class Activities

#1 – Crab Soccer

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Anyone who's ever participated in or watched a children's soccer game knows that they're absolute debacles. Weak passing. Disinterested goalkeeping. Fifteen kids following the ball in a tightly bunched knot, while the remaining players sit on the field and pick dandelions. Soccer may be the beautiful game, but it's never been so ugly.

Yet for some reason, crab soccer is awesome. What could be better than seeing a bunch of kids crabwalk around on all fours, trying to kick a ball? The fundamentals are no worse than in actual youth soccer, and the kids get the fun benefit of occasionally stomping on each other's fingers or kicking someone in the face. In fact, we're pretty sure we could talk ourselves into getting excited for the Crab World Cup every four years.

#2 – Getting Hit in the Face with a Dodgeball

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Sure, it looks like it will hurt. Does it really, though? Only a little*, and once your nose stops bleeding, you barely even feel it anymore. The few seconds of stinging are more than worth it because they allow you to take part in the best gym class activity of them all: getting out of gym class.

What sort of monstrous coach would make you keep playing after you took a dodgeball to the mouth? That would be downright cruel. No, better to hit the showers, then sit out for the rest of the day. Relax, unwind, have a snack, read a magazine, and laugh at all those poor bastards who didn't have the good fortune to be hit in the face with a rubber ball.

*Unless you wore glasses, in which case your face was covered in lacerations.

#3 – Red Rover

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Past generations of kids didn't have to wear seatbelts, were constantly around second-hand smoke, and munched on tasty lead paint chips whenever their appetites demanded it. Sure, parents now know better, but none of those activities is anywhere close to as dangerous as playing a single game of Red Rover. Could anyone other than an orthopedic surgeon have invented this game?

"Alright, Janey and Bill, here's what you do: rigidly hold your weak little still-growing arms out rigidly at your sides. We're going to have another kid run into your arm at full speed. If he can't break through, you'll feel the sweet reward of victory. Also, a shattered humeris."

The game is so much fun that it's a shame that for the sake of efficiency, future generations of children won't even play Red Rover. The gym teacher will simply select one child at random, break both his arms, and then have the rest of the kids do something useful, like practice sending each other dirty text messages.

#4 – Parachute

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Quick, everybody grab a handle of this giant colorful nylon sheet! Now we'll rhythmically raise and lower it. Got it? That's the whole game. Maybe Coach will toss some tennis balls onto the parachute and call it "popcorn," maybe not. Either way, simply raising and lowering this sail will be the most fun you have all day.

Maybe it's the hypnotic waving of the colors. Maybe it's the old-fashioned fun of repeatedly raising your arms. No one can really say. Like a mother's love, the gym class parachute isn't something you should deconstruct or analyze too closely. Just raise it, lower it, and appreciate that at the end of the day, kids are really, really easily entertained. Plus, it's great job training for the 0.0000001% of students who will someday become paratroopers! And even better training for those who will be Don't Ask, Don't Tell-style paratroopers!

#5 – Avoiding Taking a Shower

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Sure, Coach says, "Hit the showers," at the end of every class, but that's got to just be a figure of speech, right? He doesn't really expect you to shower with all these other guys, does he? Some of them have already hit puberty! And they'll hit you with a towel or something. We saw it in a movie!

Best to avoid that briar patch altogether. Just pull off your gym uniform, slap on a little new deodorant, and head back to your normal classes. After those quick passes with the Degree no one will even notice that your body is covered with dried sweat. If anyone asks what that smell is, just laugh and say, "Must be the cafeteria." Quick thinking there, stinky!


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