We are only a couple weeks removed from the World Series, but already baseball is out of the headlines. To combat the oncoming boredom that winter brings, we might as well have some fun with words. The following are not necessarily nicknames, but telling combinations of words to help you get to know some of baseball's current free agents.
C: Bengie Molina — Binomial Gene
Well, the binomial here would be pizza + cupcakes and the gene would be the obesity gene. Molina is a man of many dinners, and the first ever-professional baseball player to go into a World Series guaranteed of a championship ring. Unfortunately for him, it was not a peach ring.
1B: Carlos Pena — Anal Corpse
After putting up a diarrhea-inducing .196 batting average, Pena's $10.125 million salary in 2010 ranks him right up there with this year's BP oil spill in regards to good financial outcomes.
2B: Craig Counsell — Solacing Ulcer
Tucked away in the bowels of my attic is a very old, very smelly Kermit the Frog blanket. I grew up with that thing. It helped me fight many a cold, several bouts of the flu, and never failed to keep me warm during a new episode of Family Matters or Home Improvement. Even though I've since moved on to a more modern linen-scented comforter, I just can't bring myself to get rid of that dilapidated stink blanket. Craig Counsell is no different, having become a comforting inconvenience, albeit acidic in nature.
3B – Melvin Mora — Marlin Move
That settles it. If Ouija boards are real and this anagram prediction holds true, it looks like the fan at Miami's Sun Life Stadium will be graced by Melvin Mora's slick defense next summer. This will be a turning point for the Marlins organization, seeing that Mora's wife and their nine year-old quintuplets will generate new concessions sales records as long as they buy anything from time to time.
SS – Edgar Renteria — A Danger. Retire.
Kind of prophetic, isn't it? He had himself a nice little postseason by being named the World Series MVP, but his $10 million price tag in 2010 along with the fact that he seems to have the bone density of a Nerds Rope makes him a pretty big risk moving forward. Hang it up Eddie, your knees will thank you.
LF – Garrett Anderson — Raged Nonstarter
A ripe 38 years young, Anderson hasn't really been relevant since America was jumping around to "Hey Ya!" Relegated to a bench role with the Dodgers in 2010, he backed up his off-season claim of being healthy enough to be an everyday outfielder with a performance worthy of his age. But I guess I can't really knock someone who earned more than $70 million in his career. Not bad for a guy who was drafted a year before "Clarissa Explains it All" premiered.
CF – Johnny Damon — Nomad Johnny
This one was too easy but we'll have to make do. A former employee of the Royals, Athletics, Red Sox, Yankees, and Tigers, Nomad Johnny can't seem to find himself a permanent home in the American League. If I were in his shoes, I would grow that beard back and accept my fate as a journeyman. The Oregon Trail begins just north of Kansas City, but if the Royals aren't looking for outfield help he might as well start walking westward with some oxen and try to avoid the grim reaper's curse of dysentery along the way.
RF – Melky Cabrera — Crab Yarmelke
Thinking of Melky's 2010 campaign feels like wearing a pinch crab hat. Seeing his name in the lineup was grueling for the fans, and the Braves surely must be glad to cleanse their organization of the lackadaisical outfielder and his $3.1 million salary, which is enough to buy every resident of Iowa a double cheeseburger from the dollar menu. Perhaps that would have been a better investment.