Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.
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1:00 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at Miami (+3)
And now, poetry from everyone's favorite sensitive linebacker, James Harrison:
So deep and heartfelt, James. Well done.
My pick: Pittsburgh
Philadelphia at Tennessee (-3)
Andy Reid after last week's win: "This is a beautiful thing. When you're sitting here as a chubby head coach in the National Football League and you have two good quarterbacks, you're a happy guy."
A chubby guy? Come on, Reid. You tried to be self-deprecating and instead came off as someone in deep denial. You, sir, are morbidly obese. In fact, let me compare you — to scale — to someone who is actually chubby: Chubby from "Teen Wolf."
Again, to scale, and as you can see: at least 10 Chubby's make up one Andy Reid. Stop pretending we're as stupid as you are fat, Reid.
My pick: Tennessee
Cincinnati at Atlanta (-3.5)
Bengals defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer went on the radio this week and called Bobby Petrino, who led the staff he was on in Atlanta (and then subsequently quit to take the Arkansas job without telling anyone), a "coward" and a "gutless motherf**ker." Awesome. I absolutely can't wait to hear Zimmer's opinions on Carson Palmer once the Bengals cut him.
My pick: Cincinnati
Jacksonville at Kansas City (-9)
Ugh. Jaguars vs. Chiefs. Not too many people around the country are going to want to watch this one … unless their only other option is watching playoff baseball, of course. That crap is just unsightly. Baseball of consequence? Booooooooring. Matt Cassel is my third-string fantasy quarterback! Now THAT is some real consequence.
My pick: Kansas City
Washington at Chicago (-3)
The Jay Cutler-Mike Martz experiment is not going well. Cutler's play, and the performance of the offense, has declined every week in what is Martz's third job since getting fired by the Rams. It's almost like Martz got the "genius" tag because he led an offense that featured Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt while all of them were in their primes. Yes, Martz pushed a fast-paced style, but suggesting something good happen quickly does not make you a genius. If it did, every guy who ever suggested having a quickie is a genius. YAY! We're all geniuses!
My pick: Washington (and to win)
Cleveland at New Orleans (-14)
The Browns are pissed at James Harrison for knocking out Josh Cribbs and Mohamed Massaquoi, as they should be. I mean, he knocked out two Browns and he picked those two when Jake Delhomme and Mike Holmgren were available? What a jerk.
My pick: New Orleans
Buffalo at Baltimore (-14)
For a team with the reputation of having a great defense, the Ravens lose a lot of games in the fourth quarter. Maybe if they'd cut back on dancing after making tackles on six-yard gains earlier in the game, they'd have energy left for the end.
My pick: Buffalo
San Francisco at Carolina (+3)
The 49ers finally got their first win and are well on their way to backing up owner Jed York's promise that they'd win the NFC West. And I truly mean that they're well on their way. I think one win in the NFC West is more than halfway to clinching. A record of 1-14-1 should probably take it.
My pick: San Francisco
St. Louis at Tampa Bay (-3)
Sam Bradford and Josh Freeman are probably the two best young quarterbacks in football. I think going forward, teams should pick quarterbacks with a single syllable first name and two-syllable last name. Why not? It's as proven as any other method of drafting a quarterback, and it would have saved the teams who picked JaMarcus Russell, Alex Smith, Brady Quinn, Trent Edwards — ah, crap. I'm going to call him Trenton Edwards. Theory saved! YES!
My pick: Tampa Bay
4:05 p.m. ET
Arizona at Seattle (-6)
Look at this Mass Hole.
What an insufferable douche.
Normally I don't have anything against the Cardinals, but I want nothing positive to happen to them while they are quarterbacked by this Mass Hole, be it the one here on the left or any of the other millions of Mass Hole douchebags.
Wait … what? His name is Max Hall? Ohhhhhhh.
Yeah, I have no idea who that is.
My pick: Arizona
4:15 p.m. ET
New England at San Diego (-3)
I hope Bill Belichick didn't think he was making this trip out to San Diego to sign Junior Seau again.
Play Seau's reputation off, Toonces/Keyboard Cat!
My pick: New England (and to win)
Oakland at Denver (-8.5)
Jason Campbell had a 10.7 quarterback rating in last week's loss to the 49ers. That is second-worst all-time in Raiders history, ahead of Rick Mirer (14.6 vs. Steelers in 2003) and just behind Ken Stabler (9.9 vs. Bengals in 1975). That's right, JaMarcus Russell didn't even make the top 3. Although, realize Russell's quarterback rating was tied into his blood sugar reading, so his rating was always misleadingly high.
My pick: Oakland
8:20 p.m. ET
Minnesota at Green Bay (-3)
Oooh! Brett Favre returns to the frozen tundra. In light of recent developments, his career in Green Bay seems very different. He made all of those highlights with, due to the cold weather, what we we can only assume was an inverted penis. Weird.
My pick: Minnesota (and to win)
Monday night — 8:35 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Dallas (-3.5)
Jerry Jones has gone from believing the Cowboys would play in the Super Bowl at home, to giving Wade Phillips a vote of confidence, to saying he doesn't believe in firing someone during the season. Yikes.
You know what? I put the Toonces/Keyboard Cat clip in the wrong place. Play the Cowboys off, fellas!
My pick: Dallas
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Last week vs. spread: 7-6-1
Last week just winners: 8-6
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Season vs. spread: 40-47-3
Season just winners: 52-38
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-0-1
***Lukewarm Locks this season: 2-5-1