#11 – New York Islanders Fisherman Jerseys
When you're the Islanders, your chances of intimidating opponents are already pretty slim. You haven't won a division championship since 1988, and JWoww is probably your area's biggest threat in a fight.
Still, that doesn't explain why the team thought replacing its classic logo with a hockey-stick-wielding fisherman was a good idea before the 1995-96 season. The resulting sweaters were abominations of orange, white, navy, and — you guessed it — teal (the OFFICIAL embarrassing jersey color of the 1990s!).
The only thing that kept the Islanders wearing these threads for two seasons were league rules that forbid them from changing them too quickly. Players actually hoped to have their sweaters pulled over their heads in fights just so no one would see the Fisherman.
#12 – Seattle Seahawks Fluorescent Green Jerseys
The Seahawks have some of the best fans in the NFL, as evidenced by the noise at Seattle home games; but more by the fact that some of their fans actually buy disgusting Seahawks apparel.
Sure, the bright colors may help aging quarterback Matt Hasselbeck spot his receivers downfield, but don't they realize the jerseys are forcing people to make fun of the franchise? (More than normal, anyway.) Even Pete Carroll probably can't fake enthusiasm for these things.
The real shame here is that the team cut LenDale White before the season began; he would have looked like the Kool-Aid Man loaded up with a gallon of lime when he slipped into this jersey.
#13 – Denver Broncos Throwback Uniforms
Every once in a while someone in Denver decides that Kyle Orton's neckbeard isn't doing a sufficient job of making him look like an idiot and breaks out these mustard-yellow-on-brown monstrosities from the days of yore.
Isn't there anyone in Denver who realizes some things die off for good reasons? If we're resurrecting terrible ideas from history, why stop with just these threads? Let's revive the Inquisition, the bubonic plague, Crystal Pepsi, Brian Griese.
Just imagine how red-orange Mike Shanahan's face would be if he had to deal with the embarrassment of these jerseys on his watch.
#14 – 1932 Chicago Bears Uniforms
What a joke. You call that a design? What are those, potato sacks you painted numbers on? Nike didn't make those. And they look too crappy even to be Reebok or Under Armour.
Do they even provide muscle compression or wick moisture? Oh, don't look at us like that. Wick MOISTURE.
You speaky da English?!
Now wonder you chumps only went 7-1-6 that season. Six ties? They say ties are like kissing your sister, but even she probably isn't desperate enough to put out when you're dressed like that, lame-o's.
#15 – Your Little League Uniform
Jesus, it was bad enough that you couldn't hit, field, pitch, run the bases, sit in the dugout, or make it through the postgame handshake line without embarrassing yourself and your family. You didn't have to dress like a polyester-covered slob, too. But no, you had to pull on that stinky knit shirt that had been soaked with the sweat of years' worth of previous failed little sluggers.
When you pulled on that uniform you weren't just a disappointment to your team, your family, and yourself, you were also doing a huge discredit to the local florist who shelled out the $25 sponsorship fee to get his business' name on the jersey.
Dooley's House of Fine Flowers didn't go out of business because it was poorly run; poor Mr. Dooley went bankrupt and shot himself because you let flyball after flyball drop in the outfield, severely damaging the brand equity he had spent a lifetime building.
Looking good, champ.
- – – – -
Get more of Ethan Trex at Straight Cash Homey and on Twitter at @ethantrex.