#1 – Kentucky Basketball's Denim Uniforms
The Bluegrass State has always had to endure cruel hillbilly stereotypes and taunts, but Converse sadistically took things to a new level when they introduced these new uniforms for the Cats' 1996 title run.
Want to show the world you're not a bunch of hicks? Good luck doing it while wearing the basketball equivalent of cutoffs!
Mercifully, the uniforms didn't include mullet wigs or require the players to have a few of their teeth pulled or even ride onto the court in a pickup truck, swilling whiskey and wildly firing shotguns into the air. But the damage was done.
At least Tobias Funke got a favorite basketball team out of the deal.
#2 – Chicago White Sox Shorts
The infamous Black Sox gambling scandal of 1918 brought shame to the Chicago White Sox organization, but their outfits for their doubleheader against the Royals on August 8, 1976 were even worse. The Pale Hose took the field for the day's first game in collared shirts and … tight shorts.
Really. Tight. Shorts.
Leaving aside the practical arguments against wearing shorts — sliding bare-legged in dirt, for example — the the clinging polyester left very little to the imagination.
It's no surprise shorts didn't make a return during baseball's small-testicled steroids era.
#3 – Major League Baseball's "Turn Ahead the Clock" Uniforms
Major League Baseball staged a series of "Turn Ahead the Clock Nights" through the 1999 season. These games were supposed to offer a view of what baseball would look like in the future, and if their predictions were correct, humanity is truly screwed.
We're hurtling towards a terrible future in which our collective poor eyesight requires, nay, demands giant, splashy logos. As if our impending blindness doesn't make the future seem awful enough, there's also apparently a dire shortage of sleeves in the end of times.
The Mets have also apparently relocated to Mercury in the future as the "Mercury Mets", deciding an inhospitable planet trumps Queens.
#4 – Manchester United's Change Kit
It's refreshing to know that humiliating uniforms are not unique to America — as anyone who has studied European military history could surely tell you.
Manchester United wore this jersey in 1990, 1991 and 1992. Look closely at it. Now cross your eyes. It might be a Magic Eye jersey. Yes! It is! (See the image yet? Yes, it's an historic sporting franchise embarrassing itself.)
This would be the equivalent of the New York Yankees taking the field in Ed Hardy shirts. But that would never happen. That's what the Yankees wear off the field.
#5 — Jorge Campos' 1994 World Cup Kit
You're playing in the World Cup, the biggest sporting event in the world, billions around the globe watching … and you wear this. Wow.
Maybe it was just a clever attempt by the Mexican goalie to blind and disorient his opponents, easing his homeland's path to futbol glory? No. Mexico lost in the Round of 16 to Bulgaria, making it just a horrific wardrobe choice.
In retrospect, the only way this outfit could be more easily dated to 1994 would be if it was just a t-shirt featuring the lyrics of Sting, Bryan Adams, and Rod Stewart's single "All for Love."