#1 The Potty Putter
Forget reading the paper or gathering your thoughts; the time you spend on the toilet gives golfers a valuable opportunity to work on their putting. The Potty Putter comes with its own putting surface, cup, and toilet-sized putter to let lavatory linksmen perfect their putts while atop the throne. (Provided they really, really struggle with two-foot gimme putts.)
The only problem here is that you probably won't be able to sit on a toilet with your pants around your ankles and use a miniature putter when you're on an actual green, but nobody said making the Ryder Cup team was going to be easy. Lugging a toilet for 18 holes seems like a small price to pay to curb all those double bogeys.
Jumpsoles bill themselves as "the world's most popular tool for increasing your vertical jump," and they even guarantee an increase of 5-10 inches in your vertical leaping abilities. Of course, that will still leave you 70 to 80 inches short of what you'll need to jump over the people who will want to kick your ass when they see you wearing them.
You see, Jumpsoles shift your body weight onto your calves while conveniently also making you look like an idiot with giant, mutant shoes.
Don't take our word for it, though. Check out this commercial. Who needs Kobe Bryant jumping over an Aston Martin when you can have some random kid bounding over a 1999 Honda Accord?
#3 Ab Lounge Xtreme
For decades, shoppers have had to make a heartbreaking decision: would they buy a gimmicky ab workout machine or an uncomfortable chair? It's the sort of Sophie's choice that no one should have to make, and luckily, it's Tony Little to the rescue!
The Tony Little Ab Lounge Xtreme finally combines all the discomfort of working your abs with the pleasant laziness of sitting down! How could you not want to purchase something that would make you look like Tony Little? Don't we all want to be musclebound mulletheads who have to sit on a phonebook to drive?
#4 The Hawaii Chair
Beyond its absurdity, the Ab Lounge has one major problem: sure, it's a chair, but you still have to actually move to get it to work. The Hawaii Chair solves that quandary nicely. You don't have to do anything but sit down. As long as you weigh less than 300 pounds, its motor will do the rest of the work for you. By moving your butt in a hula-like motion, the Hawaii Chair will theoretically work your abs and flatten your stomach.
Is it effective? Chances are, the Hawaii Chair will indeed help you lose weight. It may be via motion-sickness-induced vomiting, but if you're lazy enough to buy this product, you're in no position to be all that picky. Take this commercial's advice and get one for the office, too. If your boss asks what you're doing, just politely and patiently explain that it's none of his damn business.
#5 The Sauna Belt
If sitting down and working your abs seems like far too much work for cutting down that gut, don't fret. The Velform Sauna Belt will let you trim away the flabby pounds just by sitting around. The Sauna Belt is exactly what it sounds like: a heated belt you wrap around your midsection. Apparently people who were too drunk or stoned to pay attention in high school biology think that you can literally melt fat away just by getting it hot.
While this plan might work if you were made of chocolate and/or snow, it's not so effective on humans. On the plus side, though, many online reviewers claim that they suffered burns from wearing the super-hot belt. Of course, anyone writing a review was stupid enough to buy the belt in the first place, so those burns may have come from unrelated episodes of exposing their stomachs to direct flames.
(Note: the video above is in a foreign language, but that doesn't make it make any less sense. Plus, the fatigued fat guy is far better than any American production could offer.)