Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.
– – –
1:00 p.m. ET
Washington at Detroit (-3)
Really, Tom Kowalski? Really?
I mean, I realize it's Halloween and people can be easily spooked. But I'm pretty sure that if a kid dressed up as Matthew Stafford's arm for Halloween, his friends would just laugh at him. In fact, dressing up as a fairy princess is probably a tougher and scarier costume.
My pick: Washington (and to win)
Green Bay at New York Jets (-6)
Up until a few weeks ago, the Packers, Jets, Deanna Favre and Jenn Sterger were the only ones who had seen Brett Favre's dong. When people refer to "the good old days," that's the time they mean.
My pick: New York Jets
Miami at Cincinnati (-1.5)
Ben Roethlisberger proved at the end of last week's Dolphins game that the way to beat Miami is to turn the ball over. That's why you have to like Carson Palmer's chances in this game.
My pick: Miami (and to win)
Jacksonville at Dallas (-6.5)
Good news, Cowboys fans! This is your new quarterback.
(The guy on the right.)
(The girl on the left is your old quarterback.)
And, if you must know why Jon Kitna was dressed like that, he went as Wade Phillips' naked body for Halloween. Nailed it!
My pick: Dallas
Denver at San Francisco (-1)
The only reason to watch this Broncos-49ers game from London is for fantasy implications. Like, maybe you have Vernon Davis as your fantasy tight end. Or, maybe you have a very understandable fantasy about the Broncos and 49ers being kicked out of the United States.
My pick: San Francisco
Carolina at St. Louis (-3)
I realize it's been close to 250 years since the British were dicking us around and we need to let our hard feelings go at some point. But, still, there's no reason we couldn't give them two games this season.
My pick: St. Louis
Buffalo at Kansas City (-7.5)
No matter how many times I say this, it doesn't make it sound any more real: "Ryan Fitzpatrick has the best quarterback rating in the NFL since Week 17 of last season." Amazing. But true. It would be kind of like if Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak accounted for all of his team's hits over 56 games.
My pick: Kansas City
4:05 p.m. ET
Tennessee at San Diego (-3)
I think all we can wish for everyone in life is that they are happy. That they find their true joy in life and get to do it every day.
And Jeff Fisher has finally found that. He's had some success in football, but after 17 years, it's not like he's suddenly going to figure it all out and win a Super Bowl. Coaching simply wasn't his true calling.
Cop work was, though. The hair. The sunglasses. The attitude. And, most of all, the mustache.
He has always looked like a cop.
And now he is working as a cop. (Really. Click HERE.)
Congratulations, Jeff. We're all very happy for you.
My pick: Tennessee (and to win)
4:15 p.m. ET
Tampa Bay at Arizona (-3)
Nothing to see here. Move it along.
My pick: Tampa Bay
Seattle at Oakland (-3)
I SAID NOTHING TO SEE HERE! NOW THIS IS SGT. JEFF FISHER TALKING! MOVE IT ALONG OR YOU'RE GETTING MY BOOT IN YOUR ASS! I MEAN IT! MOVE!
My pick: Oakland
Minnesota at New England (-5.5)
Brett Favre supposedly has two small fractures. I don't know. Is that what the kids are calling testicles now? It's hard to keep up on all the hip lingo.
My pick: Minnesota (and to win)
8:20 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at New Orleans (+1)
Last week the Browns beat the Saints. In 2009 the Browns beat the Steelers. And in 2008 the Browns beat the Giants. So the Browns have beaten the defending Super Bowl champions three years in a row. I know. Amazing. I still can't believe that Eli Manning won a Super Bowl.
My pick: Pittsburgh***
Monday night 8:35 p.m. ET
Houston at Indianapolis (-5.5)
This game will likely be up against Game 5 of the World Series. And despite being on basic cable, it will likely crush the World Series in ratings. A Texans-Colts game beating the World Series. Yikes. That will make your grandfather roll over in his grave. (And if your grandfather has yet to pass on, then roll over on the couch while he's watching the World Series with the rest of America's elderly.) (Note: I don't mean to imply all of the elderly are watching the World Series on the same couch. Old people aren't that kinky.)
My pick: Indianapolis
Last week vs. spread: 6-8
Last week just winners: 9-5
Season vs. spread: 46-55-3
Season just winners: 61-43
***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-0
***Lukewarm Locks this season: 2-5-1